No Dreams Tonight

A black blanket wraps itself around me
No hint of light
A starless night
The breeze carries a cold kiss
My eyes wide open
I see nothing
I hear nothing
No dreams tonight

This was me last night. Tired and exhausted but still could not sleep. This is a difficult time for me, because when alone and no one to talk to I find my mind likes to focus on the things that are either depressing, hopeless, painful, frustrating etc… You can’t exactly pick up the phone at 3 or 4 in them morning and call a friend just because you are not able to sleep. Well at least you shouldn’t. Just because I cannot sleep does not give me the right to keep another from it. Yet with my battle with depression and suicidal thoughts, the sleepless nights cause fear in me. I know I should not be afraid and should think upon more positive and life giving things. Yet As I lay awake and my mind refuses to shut down, it is the negative thoughts that I find overwhelming. I pray to God and ask Jesus for help but lately my prayers have lost their zeal. I know it is not God’s fault, and yes things haven’t been going well in the job hunt arena( I have officially unemployed for 6 months) and that is a lot of rejection to deal with but God has gotten me this far and I know I should not give up but right now I don’t feel like I have the strength to keep going. Yet to hope I will cling and not fight the sleepless night and face each day as it comes. Never give up, never surrender!

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