December 1, 2015

This is the first time in Four years that I have decorated for Christmas since my mother died and I lost my daughter,without being told to do so. The first year I didn’t decorate at all. My apartment no longer felt like a home since my daughter was gone from my life and for the first time I was truly living alone. I saw that decorating was a waste of time and it would only make me feel worse. Then the following two years I would be asked if I was putting up my tree and I would answer no, their response would be it would be good for me. Of course my response would be there is no point. I am alone and I would be the only person to see the decorations. But my friends did not give up on encouraging me. So I would bring the tree out and that would be that. I am sharing this because even though I have been battling my depression more as the holidays have approached, this time I did not need encouragement. The tree came out, I hung the garland and the lights. I even brought out decorations that I have been keeping boxed up. The penguin was a gift from my mom from the year before she died, it plays Jingle Bells. Listening to it sing brings me joy because it was a gift from her, just as the stocking was a gift she gave my daughter. I can look at these now and not feel the pain of missing them but remember the good times. There is a hole in my heart that no one else will ever be able to fill but now  instead of the dread of missing them that holidays brought, I can now focus on the good memories. 

8 thoughts on “December 1, 2015

  1. ((((((hugs))))))) I’m sorry for your loss. Your depression has a powerful root. My trauma related depressions are a deep cave inside my mind, where I retreat to like my wounds. That’s a very normal response to the trauma I went through and depression is a normal response to your loss. It sounds like the deep mourning is ending and I’m happy to hear that you are able to retrieve the good memories and treasure them. I read Job, a lot…and the best part of that book is when God restores all that he lost and then some. We have that future promise to hold on to. God bless.

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    1. Thank you Pam for your kind words. My depressions roots go all the way back to childhood when abuse and molestation first occurred. The year before I lost my mother was to me the worst of my life. I had been falsely accused and arrested for assault by the ones who had been my abusers. They had managed to turn my child against me and used her to press the charges. I won’t go into all the details here but during the legal proceedings my mother opened up to me and share with me things that she had kept from me. Unfortunately we had lived very similar lives and though what we went through was different it was the same. I am grateful that as much as what I was going through was terrible and my life as I knew it was being destroyed, I was given time to heal my relationship with my mother. It was also the first time in my life that when all hell broke loose in my life that instead of running away from Jesus I clung to Him like my life depended on it. If it was not for Jesus I would not be here today. He was with me through every court appearance and when the judgement ruled against me and removed my daughter from my life. He was there. I knew it because I heard a voice ask me if I could still forgive them. It was with in a month that my mother died of a massive stroke.The loss could have destroyed me but I had Jesus, His Holy Spirit and my Heavenly Father. They have gotten me this far and I know they won’t let go of me now. Job gives me hope, I have read it many times. In the end God restores to him all that was taken from him and more. It also helps me when I am feeling down because I can see that he too had moments of hopelessness yet he didn’t give up and so neither can I. I also read the story of Joseph and get encouragement from his life. He was thrown into a ditch, had brothers who wanted to kill him but instead he was sold into slavery, then as a slave he as falsely accused,thrown into prison, where he helped the wine bearer, and then forgotten about. Yet He did not loose his faith in God and He was finally elevated and was able to be in a position to save his people. The lives of those in the Bible who went through their own trials and tribulations, are my inspiration. I read their stories in the Bible and they give me hope. As long as I still live I cannot loose hope In Jesus.What the enemy wanted to use to destroy me God will use for good. My pain and suffering is not for nothing, it can help another. S that is why I now share what I wirte in order that I might be able to help even just one person with my stories. I appreciate the time you give to read my words and write your comments. I look foward to getting to know you better.

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      1. Those of us who know such suffering have great appreciation for the joy that comes only, when we belong to Jesus. We aren’t alone in our suffering but those of us who suffer and know Christ have a very long life free of suffering to look forward to. I’m enjoying getting to know you better too.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Julie, this post got my attention.
    I’ve never mentioned this on my blog, but I’ll never forget having to decorate the “family tree” for Christmas – by myself – after my mom died. I was 15. It was surreal.

    I want to thank you for reading a few of my blogposts tonight. But the one that may touch you the most was written a while back. It’s actually part prophetic, too. Search for “Foreshadowing.”
    – Kenzel

    Liked by 1 person

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