Testimony / I gave up on life and survived

This is one of the most difficult thing I have to share with the world. I am not seeking your pity nor do I need your judgment. I am sharing this only because I pray to reach if just one person who is at the end of their rope and is ready to jump of of that ledge.

I cannot say that I understand your pain or what has lead you to this point but I pray that you will stop long enough to read these words that  I am writing.

It will be five years this Thanksgiving when my world had grown so dark and the pain was more than I could bear that I did give up on life. Falsely accused and arrested in the middle of the night just a couple of months prior my world was turned upside down. After a lifetime of abuse and a multitude of wrong decisions I was alone and all the pain I had suffered over my life came down upon me like a crushing wave. I am not a coward but had nothing that I felt that was living for. Alone on  a holiday meant for family and giving thanks all I could see was darkness and feel the loneliness of being cut out of my own life.  I lost my will to live. So with what I thought was going to be my last breath I kicked the stool out from underneath me. The belt I used to hang myself did not do the job I thought it would because it stretched that even though I lifted my legs it stretched until I was literally sitting on the floor. Yelling at God and pounding my fist on my floor like a child throwing a temper tantrum that I couldn’t even do this right. I continued to yell and cry until I heard a voice. It was not harsh or condemning but loving. I heard it say, ‘Are you done yet?’  I know you probably think I was crazy and just hearing things. Obviously my mental state was impaired. I did just try to hang myself. Yet as i heard that voice I know I was not imagining anything. It was real. Though no one was physically in my empty home but myself there was someone who was watching over me. I even knew what they meant when they asked if I was done yet. You see this was not the first suicide attempt I had attempted, but my third. So I responded, ‘Yes Lord I am done. Obviously You aren’t done with me yet.’ Then I heard Him say, ‘Get up. It is not over yet.’

So I stood up and took the belt from around my own neck. I was amazed because how long it had stretched and that not mark was left on my neck. (A little note a couple of years later I tried to stretch that same belt and it did not give an inch, so no one can tell me God is not real.) I still had a long road ahead of me and the trials did not go the way I had believed but even on the final day of court when the rest of my world as I knew it came to a crashing end and though I was innocent of the charges I was still found guilty. I lost everything but my life and my home. You won’t believe this but as crushed as I felt, I heard God speak to me again. He said to me, ‘Can you forgive them now?’ I responded with, ‘Not because I want to but because of You I will.’ Even though not one thing went well for me, I knew God was with me. That even though I was found guilty in the court of man I was not guilty in His eyes and that He did not abandon me even when I wanted to end it all. My mother died, I lost my daughter, but God was with me through it all. I won’t say thoughts of giving up have not crossed my mind since but a small still voice says don’t give up. So as hard as it is at times because the battles I still must fight wear me down that I want to toss in the towel and quit, I know that I can’t. I must finish the race. I have not yet reached the finish line.

I will never know why my life did not end that day or why my previous attempts failed, when others who have attempted the same act are gone. I know that I am no better a person than another. My life is no more valuable than anyone else’s life so why am I still here? To be honest only God knows the real reason. My only conclusion I can come to on my own is to share my story and hopefully reach at least one person who is where I was at, or inspire someone else to reach out to someone who is suffering just to let them know they are not alone and that someone does care. Call them or even better visit with them. Don’t push too hard to get them to talk but be there and continue to be there. I did not immediately share my story but a year later I was part of a church who arranged an event inspired by a number of suicides in the area that happened in a very short time period. I saw lives touched and was inspired to start sharing my story. With the holidays upon us I personally know how difficult it is for anyone who suffers from depression and anxiety or is suffering any form of abuse. You may feel unloved, rejected and alone. The pain may be suffocating and the world may be completely dark without light of hope. I was there and I survived but you may not so please don’t give up. If there is no one in your immediate life that you feel safe to turn to there are others that even though they may be strangers who will listen to you who will give you the compassion that you need and even help. Your life is valuable and you are important. So important that God sent His Son to die for you.

Call someone. Get help. Please do not give up. I may not know you but you are in my prayers and I pray you find the love of Jesus and the strength and comfort He has for you.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We’re committed to improving crisis services and advancing suicide prevention by empowering individuals, advancing professional best practices, and building awareness.  1-800-273-8255  website  http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/#

HELPGUIDE.ORG

If you’re thinking about suicide, please read Suicide Help or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) in the U.S.! To find a suicide helpline outside the U.S., visit IASP or Suicide.org.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention-helping-someone-who-is-suicidal.htm

1-800-SUICIDE

Always remember that there are phone numbers that you can call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week,  from any location in the United States:

1-800-273-TALK / (1-800-784-2433)   (1-800-273-8255)

This is only a short list of where you can find help whether you are the one who is struggling or you think you may know someone who needs help please get the help that you need and please do it before it is too late. I know my life choices have been far from right too many times and that I survived but I know that if I try again I won’t survive again. Life is precious please don’t give up because you are precious and nothing can replace you in this world.

 

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33 thoughts on “Testimony / I gave up on life and survived

  1. Well said. What a powerful testimony! I am so glad that God found you and that you survived. Thank you for having a heart for other people and for caring. I had a rough start in life too, but I’m determined to have a good finish.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I understand this on so many levels.

    The very same God who speaks the raging sea into calm knows your name. He is a good good God. Thank you for sharing such a powerful testimony.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow, that is quite a testimony. I am so glad you got to see and know God’s love. You are here for a reason, and giving glory to him is one of the, as you’ve just done. Thanks for obeying, and sharing. May God continue to bless you even through the hard times.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. What a powerful testimony. Five years ago was not too long ago! I’m glad you’re alive, that God saved you and that you posted this…I pray the Lord will guide those who need it to find this post!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I for one am very glad that God did not grant your desire to die that day. God works in funny ways, not always saving us from everything we want saved from but making us treasures of grace regardless. Keep it up sister! You are ridiculously awesome! =)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I am sorry for the loss your friend has suffered. Too many don not reach out because they feel down enough on themselves and they fear the judgment of others if they share their feelings. I pray that for these who suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts that God will send people to comfort and encourage them and give them hope to hold on. Thank you for reading and your kind words. This was not an easy post for me to write and then share with any who will read. I know I put myself in a position to be a target for ridicule and condemnation. Thankfully all the comments have been encouraging. God bless you and your loved ones.

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  6. Thank you for your courageous, awesome testimony! I do not doubt for a moment that God spoke directly to you. He is using you in a powerful way to reach out to people in despair. I know where you’re coming from. I suffered from depression in my youth, but God delivered me. He is good. His mercy endures forever. Your message will reach many and change lives. As the Scripture says, one plants and another waters but the Holy Spirit gives the increase (paraphrase). Bless you for your openness and your willness to share.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. What an emotionally incredibly moving story of God’s love for you! You must be very special in His eyes. You are such a courageous woman and I thank you for sharing your story. You have proven that when one faces insurmountable challenges our God, with His strength and renewal, can help us face our fears and do what seems impossible. “In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with STRENGTH in my soul”. Psalm 138:3

    Liked by 1 person

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