I was recently told that I was one of the happiest people this person knows. My response was courteous but I deflected the compliment with a response of, ‘No I am far from happy, but I am grateful for the eyes to see God everywhere I look.’ I also said a few other things that I do not recall at this moment. I however just realized that this person was paying me a compliment and I had basically rejected it even though I did not do so consciously. This is a bad habit of mine that I have had for the majority of my life. Someone compliments me and I say thank you but you are wrong and point out a flaw in me that counters their compliment. I know it is a self defense mechanism to put myself down if even in a joking manner. A beat them to the punch type of attitude. You can say I gave myself a thick skin by doing this. Trying to dull the pain, before it can actually happen.
The negative view I have had of my own self for too long has to change. No matter what was done to me. The abuse, betrayals, rejections, abandonment and this list goes on can no longer have a hold on me. To be free of my past I have to stop thinking like that girl who lived through all of this as if I was still living it. A victim or prisoner mentality will only keep me a slave to my past. Yes I have come a very long way in my life and in my relationship with Jesus. I have however held on to the pain and misery of my past in ways that I do not always see.
Today however I see that every time I put myself down or reject a compliment it is because I do not feel worthy or that I am afraid of being hurt again. These are of course only a couple of reasons but no matter what the reason use to be it is time to stop and make some changes. I know these are not changes that I can make on my own but I know Who to turn to. My Creator, and The Potter and I am His clay. He is working on me every day. Turning me into a vessel that will carry His love to others who are hurting and in need of His love. I have worked so hard not to speak negatively of others but have gone on speaking poorly of myself. I am a daughter of the True King, it is time to remember who He says I am.
For those who have complimented me and encouraged me I am sorry for rejecting your affection and grateful for your kindness God bless you. I have also come to realize that you are vessels God is speaking through to me so thank you.