Righteous anger or just plain anger?

How do you know if your anger is righteous or if you are just plain angry? I know of many who will justify not only their anger but what is done in anger, and some that will even use scripture to give just cause. Yet is this right?

Along with fighting depression I have a major battle with anger. I have been told I am right to be angry for the things that have been done to me. That they understand why I have reacted in anger and that it was okay because I was hurt. Something inside of me says this is wrong. There is no excuse that I can give for any outburst of anger that I have had. No matter how minimal the damage I may have done when I have been angry I have still caused damage. Even if it was just my words and that I shot off my mouth, Wrong is wrong. Almost everything I have ever broken when I have been angry has belonged to me, It dos not matter if I threw an object and it shattered or I tore up clothes or burnt pictures. The damage cannot be undone. This damage is not as bad as the words that have come out of my mouth, and the cursing that I have done. Even the hateful thoughts are wrong. For it starts as a thought, then comes out in either physical actions or words and both can do irreversible damage.

They say to be careful with a cornered animal because you do not know how it will react or how bad it can hurt you. I used to be that cornered animal, and all the pain that was inflicted upon me to make me cower in fear. To control and manipulate me would eventually back me into a corner where I felt the only way to survive was to fight back with all that was left within me. The saying dynamite comes in small packages was one I used quite a bit yet I out my own spin on it. I would say, ‘Dynamite comes in small packages but nitro comes in smaller and has a bigger bang. Call me Nitro.’ That was when I was proud to be angry. I had every reason to be yet the person who I hurt the most was myself.

I thank God that I am not that woman any more. Yet I still fight the anger that sometimes still boils to a rage inside of me. The difference now is that I know it is wrong and I can acknowledge that the words or even the thoughts I have when I get angry like this are wrong. One saying I can agree with today is, ‘Two wrongs do not make a right.’

So how do I know my anger is not righteous? For one reason is because a hatred begins to burn inside. Then condemning and hate filled thoughts fill my mind. No one even has to be around, just a thought of something that upsets me pops into my head and a fuse gets lit and the anger begins. Thankfully this is not an everyday occurrence but when my body’s pain level rises I have noticed my level of agitation lowers and I become more irritable. Why share any of this with anyone? I learned a while back that by putting things out into the light exposes the darkness hidden within me. Then the darkness has to flee. Scripture tells us to take every thought captive. I believe this is good because not every thought that passes through our minds are good. We are to rid ourselves of the damaging thoughts and keep the ones that keep us focused on Jesus Christ. I would like to say that the war on my anger has been won, but I still have my battles. There are battles I have won and there are battles in which I lost. I thankfully get a reprieve from these battles but then the war rages on and the fight begins again. The thing I am learning is that I do not fight anger with anger and I definitely do not fight it with hate. I start with myself and acknowledge any wrong on my part and then repent and ask God for His mercy and to help change me into a more loving person, that can be loving and merciful to those who seek to do me harm. Learning that these people are just being used as weapons and that the real enemy is not human, and is nor the terrible and painful events in ones life. The really enemy will wear any disguise that will help him do the most damage. He will twist your hurt and pain and try to make you his puppet. Something I have learned is that he only has the power over me that I give him. Will I still feel pain? Yes, I will. Can this body die? Yes it will. James told us to count it all joy when we face various trials and tribulations. How can we do this?We turn to God. We believe Jesus. We allow His Holy Spirit to help and comfort us. We cry out to God. We tell Him how we are feeling and we pour out our tears at His feet.

I have not yet reached the goal but I get up each day and press forward. There are days I lay down weakened by my body, my mind and this life. Then the nest day comes and it is back on my feet, even if I do not feel like it. Of course that is when I think God has a cattle prod and gives me a loving jab. Yet I know those jabs are because He loves me and He does not want me to fall to the wayside. So I do no fight like I used to. I am learning that not only do I need to turn my cheek but as much as it pains me to offer up the other one. The battle is the Lord’s, I need to just trust in Him.

I am not my race and I am not my gender

With so much division and hate in this world this came to me. Some may not like what I have written but here it is.

I am a Christian

I was born a baby girl and grew into a woman. I have lived through many things. I have had good day and many bad days. I was molested and abused. Was this because I was born a girl or that I am half Japanese or an eighth Blackfoot or the rest of the mix German, Irish, and English. I do not think any of that was a contributor to the wrongs I have lived through. Girls are not the only ones who have been molested. Many boys have been molested. So sex does not determine who the victim will be. I have heard that these pedophiles are all homosexual. I have known many homosexuals in my life and not one of them ever hurt a child. The one who molested me was a male.  Even the men who have had boys for their victims are not doing so because they might be gay, it is because they are monsters. They prey on the weak, ones who they can control, manipulate and intimidate. These victims are not chosen because of their race or religion but because like a mouse is prey for a cat that is what I can compare a child who has been a victim to this terrible deed. (As I am writing this I am doing my best not to use profanity not because it is not a profane act but because I do not want to give it power over me anymore.)

Was I molested because of what I wore? I remember when I was growing up and this was back in the 70’s there was a rape case where the rapist was not found guilty because the woman was wearing jeans. I have tried to find this case but the only one I could find is a case in Italy that happened in 1999. Back to what  a victim is wearing. I could walk down the street naked and that does not give anyone permission to rape or molest me. It does not matter what color my skin is or what your skin is if you have been raped or molested it is not because of this. Your attacker is the one who is wrong.

Wrong doings have been happening since Adam and Eve were kicked out of Eden because they sinned. Cain killed Abel and many other murders and crimes have been committed. Hebrews were slaves in Egypt. Slavery has not been kept to one race. One person or group has always sought power and dominion over another person. People’s lands have been stolen. People have been sold by their own people and this has happened in every country. Men and women have been at war with each other for what seems like forever. God has used women throughout the Bible. It was through Sarah that Abraham would be given the son God had promised. Deborah was not only a woman and a wife but a Judge over Israel. She did not hesitate to go out in battle, and she fought on the front lines. Esther an orphan marries the king and becomes a queen who saves her people. Mary gives birth to Jesus and is there when He is crucified. Anna was a prophetess. The church is called His bride. Women have value but too many have looked for recognition from the world. Demanding their rights they have no problem ending the life of unborn children, stating, ‘My body, my choice.’

I used to read a series of books by Laurel K. Hamilton in which her main character Anita Blake say, ‘Humans are the worst monsters.’ As I look around this world I could easily agree with her. We can blame the devil all we want but it is our choices and our actions. Yes you have suffered at another’s hands, but does that give you a right to hurt another. We spread hate and prejudice like butter on toast. We demand our rights while trampling all over another’s.

One of the best things I have found in Christ is that God does not see me in a limited view determined by man (People, male or female.) He does not limit me to my sex or to my race (as mixed as that is). He sees His child who He loves. A child He sent His Son to die for. A child He adopted into His family because I am special to Him. I am His, I am a Christian. No matter what was done to me or what I have done I am forgiven and I am loved. This is also you, if you have received Jesus as your Lord and Savior.

Runaway A Testimony

The first time I ran away from home I was 13 years old.  We were going to move so friend I went to school with wanted to spend one last day together having fun. So we ditched the last couple of classes. We didn’t do much, went to an arcade on Woodman Ave. Then we hung out a friend’s house. The next day we were all called into the principal’s office. I was terrified of my father and had asked to take the paddle instead of him calling my father. He called my father and I was too afraid to go home. I didn’t know where to go but I was too afraid to go home. My father was an angry man and he terrified me. I wandered around with a friend Wendy until she had to go home. Now a new fear took over where would I go? I had nowhere to go so I cried as I walked back home. It was not the home coming of the prodigal son, but I lived.

Life did not get much better after we moved. Oh we had all the physical comforts a nice home, plenty of food, but living in fear takes its toll on anyone. Never knowing when something you may do innocent or not is going to set off the volcanic anger of my father. I ran away again, and again. When I was close to turning 16 I had gotten into a fight with my father. I could not believe myself. Standing up to my father was something that you did not do. I was dragged and beaten into our home. I cussed at him for the first time in my life to his face. I tried to keep him from opening the closet where he kept a paddle He had made from a 1’x4′ and 2ft. long board that he used to spank me with. I failed. The board came out and I tried to hide behind my stepmother. He yelled at me and the board was used like a baseball bat and my head was the ball. I was down on my knees when he was about to swing again and I was literally saved by the bell. The phone rang and it stopped him. My step mother had done nothing, but what do you expect from a woman who has blamed you for all the problems of her marriage. Who said’ ‘If you didn’t exist I could be happy with your father.’ (Sorry I was a part of his life before she was.) After this incident I ran away again. This time I was not so quick to going back home. I bounced around from one friends couch to another. I even got my first job at Chuck E. Cheese, while still going to school. I managed to live like this for over a month until the school notified the authorities, No charges were brought against my father and thanks for a friend’s mother I did not have to return home for a while. Yet no matter how many times I left my father’s home and no matter the reason I kept returning.

So why I am I sharing a couple of my run away stories? They had come back to my mind and they made me think about people in the Bible who had run away and why. Hagar ran away when Sarah became jealous and hateful. David ran away when King Saul wanted to kill him. Elijah ran and hid in a cave when Jezebel was having God’s prophets killed. Jonah also tried to runaway when God had told him to go to Nineveh. All had their reasons to run. So this was one thing I had in common with these people. The other common ground I shared with them was we all returned.

Life is not easy for any of us. It is definitely harder for some than others. It can be even be terrifying. Of course life can be filled with joy and hope. I do not know what you may be running from and you may have a very good reason to do so but just like God met Hagar in the dessert and found Jonah in the sea. He can meet you where ever you are. Find hope in the One who will never hurt you, but who loves you unconditionally. Even if you run away from Him He will come to find you and He loves you unconditionally.

Look up scriptures on people who ran away in the Bible

Hagar – Genesis 16:6-9- (NKJV) So Abram said to Sarai, “Indeed your maid is in your hand; do to her as you please.” And when Sarai dealt harshly with her, she fled from her presence. 7 Now the Angel of the Lord found her by a spring of water in the wilderness, by the spring on the way to Shur. 8 And He said, “Hagar, Sarai’s maid, where have you come from, and where are you going?” She said, “I am fleeing from the presence of my mistress Sarai.” 9 The Angel of the Lord said to her, “Return to your mistress, and submit yourself under her hand.”  (Read Genesis chapter 16)

David – 1 Samuel 21:10 (NKJV)   Then David arose and fled that day from before Saul, and went to Achish the king of Gath.

1 Samuel 22:1 (NKJV)  David therefore departed from there and escaped to the cave of Adullam. So when his brothers and all his father’s house heard it, they went down there to him.

Read 1 Samuel chapters 21-24

Elijah –  1 Kings 19:3-4 (NKJV) 3 And when he saw that, he arose and ran for his life, and went to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there. 4 But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he prayed that he might die, and said, “It is enough! Now, Lord, take my life, for I am no better than my fathers!” 5 Then as he lay and slept under a broom tree, suddenly an angel[a] touched him, and said to him, “Arise and eat.” 6 Then he looked, and there by his head was a cake baked on coals, and a jar of water. So he ate and drank, and lay down again. 7 And the angel[b] of the Lord came back the second time, and touched him, and said, “Arise and eat, because the journey is too great for you.” 8 So he arose, and ate and drank; and he went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights as far as Horeb, the mountain of God. 9 And there he went into a cave, and spent the night in that place; and behold, the word of the Lord came to him, and He said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” 10 So he said, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God of hosts; for the children of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your altars, and killed Your prophets with the sword. I alone am left; and they seek to take my life.” (Read  1Kings chapter 9)

Jonah –  Jonah 1:3 (NKJV) 3 But Jonah arose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the Lord. He went down to Joppa, and found a ship going to Tarshish; so he paid the fare, and went down into it, to go with them to Tarshish from the presence of the Lord. (Read the book of Jonah)

 

Questions

Can you name of others in the Bible who ran away?

 

Have you ever run away?

 

If you did, did you return to what or where you ran from?

 

Are you running away from anyone or anything?

Where Was God?

Where Was God?

“Where was God?’ is a question you hear when tragedy strikes. Tornadoes, earthquakes, tsunamis, and other natural disasters happen and God is blamed.  Abuse, rape, and murder happen and once again the question is asked. It is as if people like to use God as an escape goat for anything bad that happens and forget everything He has done. Jesus when falsely accused and put on trial He did not offer up words in His own defense and He doesn’t need me to defend Him now. Yet I am going to take a crack at answering the question.

“He was crying for us. He was being beaten for our transgressions. He was nailed to a cross paying for our sins. He was in the grave fighting death for the keys for your life.”

He will never abandon or reject you. He suffers when you suffer, and cries when you cry. He feels your pain and your loss. He is a Father who watched His own child suffer and die.

There was a song by John Michael Montgomery that when I first hear it many years ago I had to pull off the freeway because it cause me to cry so hard I could not see. It is about a little girl and if you listen to it you will hear how even during a tragic event Jesus was with her.

We live in a fallen world filled with sin and violence but we are not alone God is with us. Even if He has to stand outside your door, and wait for you, He is there. He will always be there, in both good times, and bad.

Bible verses related to I Will Never Leave You Nor Forsake You from the King James Version (KJV) by Relevance

 

Deuteronomy 31:8 – And the LORD, he [it is] that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.

Deuteronomy 31:6 – Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he [it is] that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

Hebrews 13:5 – [Let your] conversation [be] without covetousness; [and be] content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

Joshua 1:9 – Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God [is] with thee whithersoever thou goest.

1 Peter 5:7 – Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

Hebrews 13:5-6 – [Let your] conversation [be] without covetousness; [and be] content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.   (Read More…)

Matthew 28:20 – Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, [even] unto the end of the world. Amen.

Hebrews 13:6 – So that we may boldly say, The Lord [is] my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.

Philippians 4:6-7 – Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.   (Read More…)

Isaiah 41:10-13 – Fear thou not; for I [am] with thee: be not dismayed; for I [am] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.   (Read More…)

Psalms 55:22 – Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.

Romans 8:28 – And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to [his] purpose.

Joshua 1:5 – There shall not any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life: as I was with Moses, [so] I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

2 Timothy 1:7 – For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

1 Chronicles 28:20 – And David said to Solomon his son, Be strong and of good courage, and do [it]: fear not, nor be dismayed: for the LORD God, [even] my God, [will be] with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee, until thou hast finished all the work for the service of the house of the LORD.

Hebrews 4:16 – Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

http://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Bible-Verses-About-I-Will-Never-Leave-You-Nor-Forsake-You/

Testimony / I gave up on life and survived

This is one of the most difficult thing I have to share with the world. I am not seeking your pity nor do I need your judgment. I am sharing this only because I pray to reach if just one person who is at the end of their rope and is ready to jump of of that ledge.

I cannot say that I understand your pain or what has lead you to this point but I pray that you will stop long enough to read these words that  I am writing.

It will be five years this Thanksgiving when my world had grown so dark and the pain was more than I could bear that I did give up on life. Falsely accused and arrested in the middle of the night just a couple of months prior my world was turned upside down. After a lifetime of abuse and a multitude of wrong decisions I was alone and all the pain I had suffered over my life came down upon me like a crushing wave. I am not a coward but had nothing that I felt that was living for. Alone on  a holiday meant for family and giving thanks all I could see was darkness and feel the loneliness of being cut out of my own life.  I lost my will to live. So with what I thought was going to be my last breath I kicked the stool out from underneath me. The belt I used to hang myself did not do the job I thought it would because it stretched that even though I lifted my legs it stretched until I was literally sitting on the floor. Yelling at God and pounding my fist on my floor like a child throwing a temper tantrum that I couldn’t even do this right. I continued to yell and cry until I heard a voice. It was not harsh or condemning but loving. I heard it say, ‘Are you done yet?’  I know you probably think I was crazy and just hearing things. Obviously my mental state was impaired. I did just try to hang myself. Yet as i heard that voice I know I was not imagining anything. It was real. Though no one was physically in my empty home but myself there was someone who was watching over me. I even knew what they meant when they asked if I was done yet. You see this was not the first suicide attempt I had attempted, but my third. So I responded, ‘Yes Lord I am done. Obviously You aren’t done with me yet.’ Then I heard Him say, ‘Get up. It is not over yet.’

So I stood up and took the belt from around my own neck. I was amazed because how long it had stretched and that not mark was left on my neck. (A little note a couple of years later I tried to stretch that same belt and it did not give an inch, so no one can tell me God is not real.) I still had a long road ahead of me and the trials did not go the way I had believed but even on the final day of court when the rest of my world as I knew it came to a crashing end and though I was innocent of the charges I was still found guilty. I lost everything but my life and my home. You won’t believe this but as crushed as I felt, I heard God speak to me again. He said to me, ‘Can you forgive them now?’ I responded with, ‘Not because I want to but because of You I will.’ Even though not one thing went well for me, I knew God was with me. That even though I was found guilty in the court of man I was not guilty in His eyes and that He did not abandon me even when I wanted to end it all. My mother died, I lost my daughter, but God was with me through it all. I won’t say thoughts of giving up have not crossed my mind since but a small still voice says don’t give up. So as hard as it is at times because the battles I still must fight wear me down that I want to toss in the towel and quit, I know that I can’t. I must finish the race. I have not yet reached the finish line.

I will never know why my life did not end that day or why my previous attempts failed, when others who have attempted the same act are gone. I know that I am no better a person than another. My life is no more valuable than anyone else’s life so why am I still here? To be honest only God knows the real reason. My only conclusion I can come to on my own is to share my story and hopefully reach at least one person who is where I was at, or inspire someone else to reach out to someone who is suffering just to let them know they are not alone and that someone does care. Call them or even better visit with them. Don’t push too hard to get them to talk but be there and continue to be there. I did not immediately share my story but a year later I was part of a church who arranged an event inspired by a number of suicides in the area that happened in a very short time period. I saw lives touched and was inspired to start sharing my story. With the holidays upon us I personally know how difficult it is for anyone who suffers from depression and anxiety or is suffering any form of abuse. You may feel unloved, rejected and alone. The pain may be suffocating and the world may be completely dark without light of hope. I was there and I survived but you may not so please don’t give up. If there is no one in your immediate life that you feel safe to turn to there are others that even though they may be strangers who will listen to you who will give you the compassion that you need and even help. Your life is valuable and you are important. So important that God sent His Son to die for you.

Call someone. Get help. Please do not give up. I may not know you but you are in my prayers and I pray you find the love of Jesus and the strength and comfort He has for you.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We’re committed to improving crisis services and advancing suicide prevention by empowering individuals, advancing professional best practices, and building awareness.  1-800-273-8255  website  http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/#

HELPGUIDE.ORG

If you’re thinking about suicide, please read Suicide Help or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) in the U.S.! To find a suicide helpline outside the U.S., visit IASP or Suicide.org.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention-helping-someone-who-is-suicidal.htm

1-800-SUICIDE

Always remember that there are phone numbers that you can call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week,  from any location in the United States:

1-800-273-TALK / (1-800-784-2433)   (1-800-273-8255)

This is only a short list of where you can find help whether you are the one who is struggling or you think you may know someone who needs help please get the help that you need and please do it before it is too late. I know my life choices have been far from right too many times and that I survived but I know that if I try again I won’t survive again. Life is precious please don’t give up because you are precious and nothing can replace you in this world.

 

Who is to blame?

As I was watching the end of a movie, and listened to what some of the people were saying about those who had saved their lives I thought how ungrateful these people were behaving.  Yes, I do know that it was just a movie but as I watched the end after the battle was over and how the heroes of the movie were being turned against by those who they fought to protect. These people that were saved were blaming them for the attack and the damage that was done. Their lives were saved yet they still had to complain and reject the ones who risked their lives to save the lives of these ungrateful people.

This made me think of how people treat God. They blame Him for all the tragedy and destruction that happens in this world. ‘Where was God?’, ‘Why didn’t God do something?’, and the list of things you may hear after an act of violence committed by a person (or group of people), or a natural disaster, and lives are lost and people are injured. Well the first thing I will say is God has done something. He sent His Son to pay the price for the sins of all men. He did this before most of us were even conceived. So He paid the price in advance for a large number of us, meaning that He didn’t wait for us to live righteous and pure lives, or even love Him in return. He loved us first as we are. Jesus proved His love by laying down His life for us while we were still sinners. Think about how Jesus was mocked while being crucified. They hung a sign above His head, ‘THIS IS JESUS, THE KING OF THE JEWS.’ Matthew 27:41-43 41Likewise, the chief priests, scribes, and elders mocked Him, saying, 42“He saved others, but He cannot save Himself. He is the King of Israel! Let Him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in Him. 43He trusts in God. Let God deliver Him now if He wants Him. For He said, ‘I am the Son of God.’” Yet still Jesus let Himself be crucified so that we may be saved. All we must do is repent and receive Jesus as Lord and Savior.

The next thing I would like to say is that He gave us free will. We choose what we will do. Yes God gave Moses the Ten Commandments to give to us. The choice is ours if we are to obey those commands.  Since all have sinned that means we have all broken at least a commandment or more. God did not want puppets or robots when He created man. He created man to love, not to control. The first gift is free will. Unfortunately people do not always choose to do what is right and cause harm and even death. The second gift is redemption. Not all choose to receive this gift. He gives us life and saves us, but are we grateful?  For too many we are not. We blame God for all the misery, illness, destruction, violence and death etc… while we choose to do as we please without care of the harm we may do. We cause the problem then blame God.   I know not everyone blames God and there are believers who are grateful and they do not blame God, but we know that even in the darkest and most tragic times He is with us.

Blame comes with judgment, and turns one against another. There is no accountability and it is always someone else’s fault. This strife causes division. This only brings destruction.  Life will not grow with hatred. Ungrateful hearts wither and die.

So what do we do then? Acknowledge our sin and repent. Receive Jesus as Lord and Savior. Forgive as we have been forgiven. Be grateful and give thanks. Love because we ARE loved.

Father, please forgive me for all the harm I have done and for any pain I have caused. Help me to forgive those who have hurt me and love those who have hated me. Thank you for Your love and mercy. May I walk in love and peace. Let there be less of me and more of you, in Jesus name. Amen.