Laughter is good medicine – The Breakout

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. “I’m free, I’m free!” he shouted.

“So what,” said a little girl. “I’m four.”

http://www.thehaha.club/joke/45

Haha club – Ugly Duckling – Laughter is good medicine

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!” So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on … very tall, dark hair, and muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

Food for thought

 What one considers punishment another may see as a reward.

Laughter is good medicine – Test time

Test Time

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.” Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. “Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was, ‘Who was our first president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’ and so did you.”

“So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”

“Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’ Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.”

“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny.

“Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’ Mary put ‘I don’t know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither’.”

Live, Laugh, Love -Laughter is good medicine – Stevie and Tiger

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods meet at a fund raiser. Woods turns to Wonder and says: “How is the singing career going?” Stevie Wonder replies: “Not too bad! How’s the golf?” Woods replies: “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now.” Stevie Wonder says: “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right. Tiger Woods says: “You play golf?” Stevie Wonder says: “Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.” Woods says: “But, you’re blind. How can you play golf if you’re blind?” Wonder replies: “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.” “But, how do you putt?”, asks Woods. “Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.” Woods asks: “What’s your handicap?” Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.” Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: “We’ve got to play a round sometime.” Wonder replies: “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.” Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m game for that, when would you like to play?” Stevie says, “Pick a night.”

 

Laughter is good medicine / The Robber

A robber was robbing a house. All of a sudden someone said, “Jesus is watching you!” “What? Oh well,” said the robber and he went back to work. When he started to pick up the VCR, he heard the voice again, “Jesus is watching you!” it said again. This time the robber pointed his flashlight at the voice and asked, “Who said that?” It was a parrot. “I’m Moses,” said the parrot. “Who in the world would name you Moses?” asked the robber. The parrot answered, “The same man that named the pitbull in the corner Jesus!”

http://www.thehaha.club/joke/64

 

Laughter is good medicine / The Mother-in-law

A couple took a trip to the Holy Land and the husband decided to invite his mother-in-law. Before they even got there she was already complaining about the long flight and he knew he was in for a long trip. For two weeks they visited every major site from the bible. They walked the path that Jesus walked from where he was born in the manger to the tomb where the stone was rolled away. On one of the last days there the couple received some bad news from the hotel manager. A housekeeper had found the mother-in-law in her room dead of a heart attack. The manager informed them that they could take care of the arrangements and bury her in the holy land for only $200.00. If they decided to take her back to the U.S. the expense of preparing the body for the trip and the flight would run about $5,000.00. The husband said he would think about it and let him know the next day. The next day the hotel manager saw the husband in the lobby and asked him if he had made a decision. “I decided to take her back home for the $5,000.00” He told the manager. “That’s fine” said the manager “But do you mind me asking why since we can do it here for just $200.00”. “Well I’ve been thinking about it”, said the husband, “And in the two weeks that we’ve been here all I’ve heard about was this man that they crucified and buried and then three days later he arose from the grave. For $4800.00 I’m not willing to take that chance!”

http://www.thehaha.club/joke/60

 

Laughter is good medicine / The Memorial

One Saturday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so The pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Johnny.” “Good morning pastor Ron,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?” Johnny asked. “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.” Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which one, the Wednesday night or Sunday morning service?

Laughter is good medicine / The Magician

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

“Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

Laughter is good medicine /Eating out

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonald’s that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there

that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking: “Look, there is a couple who has

been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with

no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one

order of french fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of

his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup

down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking: “That poor old couple.

All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.” As the man began to eat

his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple’s table.

He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man

replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just

sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. The man again explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady: “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating?

You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?”

She answered, “The teeth.”

 

The Haha Club

Laughter is good medicine / For the sick

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?” “No” her mother replied. “Well, I think I’m gonna be sick, Momma!” “Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush.” After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. “Were you sick?” her mom asked. “Yes.” “How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” “I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick’.”