Notes on message of love/Personal thoughts

As I was praying last night a thought had come to me. My relationship with my earthly father has not been a good one. If you have read any of my testimony you would have read about some of the abuse that I had lived through. Well my thought was not about the abuse, but about a time when my father did something good. I had done things that I am not proud of and I have had to repent of and thankfully there is nothing that I had done that my Heavenly Father has not forgiven me of. Back to my earthly father, as bad as our relationship with him is there I can look back and see the times when my father was there for me. One time I was living in an other state and did not have a phone, I had been in an abusive relationship and one night something bad had happened. The next morning with my front door barricaded because of what I lived through, I heard a knock on the door. I peaked out of my window scared of what I might see and there was my father. I had not called him not just because I did not have a phone but because he was not someone I would have thought of calling for help. I lived in the next state from where he lived but he had gotten a bad feeling and drove all night to come to me. For once in my life I was happy to see him. He took me to the police department and I made my report. That was a time that had showed me that no matter how bad things were between us, I did not have to call for help he just showed up. Our relationship is still not good but I can look back at this and have a memory of a father’s love.

Remembering this story reminded me that God our Heavenly Father knows when we are in trouble and He will always come after you, because He loves you and His love never fails.

January 18,2021 / Thoughts

I have been thinking a lot lately about Mary the mother of Jesus. I have been working on a message on God’s love and how differently we love. I can’t imagine what it is like for a parent who has lost a child. I know many who have and I can be sympathetic to their pain by I do not personally know exactly what their pain feels like. Mary was there as her son Hung on a cross. The pain she felt I can not describe to you, but the helpless feeling that she could not stop her child from suffering had to be unbearable. To only be able to be there and not be able to comfort her child, yet hearing Him tell John that ‘This is your mother and tell her this is your son’, that even as He was about to die He was making provision for her care. She knew He loved her. Then being one in the group of women to first see Him after He rose from the grave, the joy she must have felt. I wonder what happened to her after this. I find no mention of her past this part. How did she live, what was her life like? To be the one woman who God chose to be the mother of His Son? The bond she shared with her son, the love she had, is something I want to have. To be that close to Him. Even though she was his mother, He was her Savior. He is Savior to us all who recieve Him. I want to love Him and have the connection she had. Well that is my thoughts for today.

Notes on message on love / Jan. 3, 2021

Notes on message on love / Jan. 3, 2021

1 John 4:8-10/New King James Version

He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. 10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

This scripture confirms what I have bee receiving, regarding love and God. We cannot have one with out the other. To know love I need to know God. Not the knowledge the world has of a subject of love, but as an intimate knowledge. A relationship. God already knows who you and I are, but in the intimate relationship the knowledge of each other goes both ways.
The way a husband and wife we become one, we become one with God. The old man is no longer, and we have become a new creation once we choose to receive His Son, His Love, His forgiveness and all that He is. To receive the new hear He has for us it we have to go to Him and enter into a relationship with Him. Think about how every February people give Valentines to each other. To their romantic partners, friends, schoolmates, etc… It is supposed to be symbolic of giving their hearts to each other. God wants more than a card representing our heart. He wants more than our heart. He wants our entire life. He will not force His love on us, and He will not force us to love Him. This is a decision we have to make for ourselves. In a relationship we open ourselves up to another. We let them them in, and the further that we let them in, the bigger the risk we take. It leaves us vulnerable to being hurt and rejected. The great thing about entering into a relationship between you and God is this, He will never abandon you, reject you, or hurt you. This is the only risk free relationship you will ever have. No gamble here, there is nothing to loose but a life to gain.

May 10, 2020

May 10, 2020

I recently had a word given to me to give to someone I knew who had asked me to pray for their situation. They have since told me that I should share this word.  They believed that this word could help another, as it at helped them. So I will share it but not the persons name or situation.

This is the word that I had received;

‘You have had someone hurt you. This pain was not caused by their actions but because of what they did not do.  You feel hurt and are disappointed. Their actions did not live up to the words the spoke to you. They made a commitment and they failed you. I know exactly how this feels. You cannot count the numerous times per day people who have committed their lives to Me, that have turned back to the world the second they have a problem. Instead of turning to Me, they return to doing things as the rest of the world does.

The second troubles come you want to turn and walk away and say that it is no big deal. I want you think about what would happen if I gave up on you that easy. If I turned from you every time you disappointed Me,  hurt Me, or even cheated on Me, etc….  Every time you have been hurt, I have been hurt.  Every time you were rejected or abused, so was I. Now multiply your pain by an infinite amount.  What you go through with others, I go through too. I don’t give up on you. I will never leave you or forsake you.

Yes you have been hurt by these people, but can you see now how I feel? Can you see how much I love those who have hurt and wronged Me?  You may be the only one who is bringing my Light into these peoples dark world. Don’t give up on them. They have never met anyone to show them my love before and they do not know how to react. The spirits operating in their lives are don’t want to let go. Yet My Light can drive away the darkness in their life. You carry this Light within you, like a lantern in a dark world. Let them learn of my Love through you. Another might now show them this love. Remember Love is patient, and love is kind and it also long suffering. ‘

To put it in other words. God puts up a lot with the mistakes we make, the pain we cause and He does not give up on us.  There are bad relationships that we have to escape, because they can and will cost us our life if we don’t leave. This message is for those of us who have been slighted in any way that hurts us, we need to remember the pain of a Father who sent His Son to pay the price for those pains. How much pain Jesus suffered for our sins. We sometimes will have to let go of people who we cannot help and will only continue to hurt us and themselves. Yet our first reaction to pull away at the first sign of trouble we should rethink. Sometimes God will use these people to teach us, smooth out our rough spots like sandpaper.

Please take a moment and read 1 Corinthians 13.

Right Relations/ When should you let go? / June 12, 2019

The term ‘Toxic Relationship” can be applied to a number of relationships we may have. What makes the relationship toxic? Well there can be a number of reason to label a relationship toxic. The word ‘Toxic’ implies that it is poisonous, harmful and even deadly. A relationship is obviously toxic when you can see the outward signs of abuse. Bruises, black eyes, and broken bones, are signs you can see. What about the unseen? The emotional and mental damaged being done that the eyes do not always detect. What ever  the excuse or reason that we may have to stay in these relationships, there comes a time when we need to realize that we are doing more harm than good to ourselves and to the other person. We may have the need to stay to help them, but how can you save someone from drowning when you are drowning yourself?

We need to remove ourselves from harmful relationships. This does not mean you do not care or that you have to hate them to leave. Sometimes the saying, ‘If you love someone, you set them free’, is very exactly what we need to do. Staying in a harmful relationship does neither of you any good. You could be standing in the way of God reaching that person, or they may be standing in the way of God in your life. Proverbs tells us that it is better for a man to be on top of the roof with a dry morsel of bread than in a house with a quarrelsome wife. If you are a woman or a man this is telling you to distance yourself from the one who is trying to do you harm. This could be physical, emotional or verbal, no matter what it is that is causing you harm, the only way to stop it,is to remove yourself from the picture. You would not put your hand in the fire and keep it there. If you did, more than your hand would catch on fire.

Some relationships will be restored and others will come to an end. either way you will grieve the loss, whether it is temporary or permanent. It will hurt more than ripping off a band-aide, but it is a pain you will heal. Healing is the goal in letting go of a harmful relationship. It takes courage to walk away, especially when you love the other person, and they may actually love you but sometimes the only way for the both of you to find healing is to let go.

(A personal thought – bleach is a cleaner and ammonia is another cleaning product, but you don’t put the two together. Why? If combined they produces a toxic gas that will kill you.)

Right Relations / thoughts on Abandoned and Rejected/ 5/19/2019

When I was 5 years old, my parents divorced. My father got custody of me and my brother. I grew up thinking that my mother had left me behind. It was an abusive marriage, and I was left with her abuser to be abused myself. I felt abandoned. I was lied to for most of my life about my mother and how my father got custody. I was made to believe that she left me by her own choice. That she was selfish and only cared about partying and sex. She was in my life, and I saw her often but I still felt abandoned. As I got older and started living a very self destructive life. I loved and hated her. I loved her because she was my mother. I hated her because I thought she had abandoned me to be raised by her abuser. It was not until the year before she died that I learned the truth. She had not abandoned me, but had to make a choice that no mother should ever had to make. I have shared my testimony on my arrest and trials, so I will not go into all those details. Yet that was what it took for her to share what had been done to her. It was one of the most painful conversations that I have had. Yet it brought us both healing, and understanding. I learned that she had not abandoned me, but had done what she had to, so that she could be in my life, even though she knew what kind of man my father was.

I have had a problem with relationships, for many reasons. Growing up thinking that I had been abandoned, had also caused me to feel rejected. I still struggle with feeling unwanted. I don’t feel like I fit in. So how can I feel close to an unseen God?  My Heavenly Father. Being lied to and feeling abandoned and rejected, how can I trust Him?

First I have to realize that He is not a man. He is God. In other religions the god requires sacrifice from their subjects. With God, my Heavenly Father, He sacrificed His own Son, to forgive us, and to adopt us, making us His children and not just mere worshippers. Yet even being called His child, with my history with my own parents is still having an affect on how I am able to relate to others. Including my Heavenly Father. How can I trust that He wants me and that He has chosen me. I know I don’t deserve His love, that I have committed many sins. Yet in spite of all that I have done wrong, His love is perfect and He loves me perfectly. He will never leave or forsake me or you.

Read Deuteronomy 31:6&8

Hebrews 13:5-6

Psalm 27:10, 38:21, 71:9

Right Relations/5/12/19/Abused or Abuser

It took me blowing up and verbally abusive towards my daughter to realize that I was taking out my physical and emotional pain on her. When I heard the words coming out of my mouth, I realized that I had become my abusers all rolled up in one. Even though it was verbal, the damage was done. My relationship’s with those who had abused m, had affected how I was relating to my daughter. Thankfully I realized that I needed to stop and get help. The words that had come out of my mouth still haunt me. I had to acknowledge that I had allowed pain and anger fill me with hate.  Filled with hatred how could I love? Anger and resentment towards others effected how I treated my daughter. I love her, but what she got was an unstable mother who loved her but did not know how to love. I am thankful that through counseling and going through ‘Life ‘s Healing Choices’ a small group my church had offered helped me to make the changes that I had to, so I could heal from the abuse O had suffered. That what was done to me did not justify my behavior. I had to acknowledge the wrongs that I have done without blaming my actions on another. I am grateful that God forgave me and that I am not who I used to be. Now I pray that my daughter can forgive me and know that she never deserved how she was treated.

I am back! Thoughts on ‘Right Relations’ 5/11/19

ADAM N EVELast year I began a project on relationships, and I called it ‘Right Relations/How our relationship with people effects our relationship with God’. Well I have been distracted and derailed more times than I can count. Lately my health has been in a major issue. I am not writing consistently and it has been months since I have put any effort it into ‘Right Relations’. I have not wandered away from God, and my faith is still intact, but my focus is off. There was a reason that I wanted to write about our relationships. As God had shown me how each of my relationships in my life has had an effect on my relationship with Him. Though I had not forgotten about this project or how important is is on a personal level, I have allowed myself to get busy with other things and I have neglected this work. My back has been locked up for over 2 months now and I have had migraines, ear infections, blood vessel in my eye burst and a long list of other issues. I have barely been able to work and that has been the most I have been able to do. When I do work I come home and collapse unable to do much else. I pray and listen to my audio Bible, but I am frustrated and my focus has been on what I am unable to do. Instead my focus should be on what I can do and what God is doing for me in the midst of this valley. This project was not only to help others get closer to God but it is to help me better understand my relationship with Him.
Who of us has not been hurt, felt rejected or neglected, and even abandoned by the people in our lives? One way or another in our relationships we have been let down and have lost our trust in others and at times even with ourselves. So how can we have a good relationship with an unseen God, who we call our Heavenly Father? First we need to learn how our relationships have shaped our way of thinking. Jesus told us to even look with lust in our eyes is to have already committed the sin of adultery, and we are told to take every thought captive. Why? How we think dictates how we act or react. If I think someone is going to hurt me, I can push them away and build a wall around me to keep them from hurting me. I could run away and hide, or I could even try to hurt them before they can hurt me. The list goes on what I could do. So why do I think I might get hurt? Is it because I have been hurt in the past? The more you have been hurt the less you tend to trust. Yes there are those who seem to trust blindly who constantly get taken advantage of because they keep hoping that there is someone who they can trust who truly loves them, this is not healthy either.
One thing I have learned since I began this journey is that God is not man(this includes women too) No matter what any person has ever done to me, and no matter what pains I have suffered He has been the ONLY ONE, who has never let me down, but I have my focus on those who I feel I have to protect myself from more than I have kept my eyes on Him. So here is my ‘Do over’, starting back to work on ‘Right Relations’ but taking it from a new perspective. I my only have one post a week to share my progress, but this is my minimum goal. As I share my progress I hope my journey helps you with your relation with God too.

 

 

January 19, 2019 Starting off the year right.

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Art by Julie Sheppard

Hello Everyone!

I am sorry that I have not written anything for a while now. This last year has definitely been busy and a lot has happened. I have also learned a lot. I started working on’Right Relations’, last year and it does not feel like I have gotten very much accomplished on this project, but it has given me time to reflect on the relationships I have had and the testimonies of how each of the relationships had effected me and my relationship with Jesus, and even my current relationships(none that are romantic). I am praying to share my insights through out this year and possibly help or give hope to at least one person.

This year has started off well. I was able to share my testimony on my last suicide attempt which I have shared here, ‘Testimony, I gave up on life and survived’. Even though I had posted this a few years back I had not publicly shared it, with those who knew me or went to church with. I am grateful I did though because since I gave shared that part of my testimony, I have had people talk to me and share about themselves and how my testimony did help them. I have many chapters in my life and many testimonies of the things God has done for me through some very dark periods of my life, and I have written some down and shared them here. I guess it is coming to the time to share them in person.

All of you reading this have testimonies. You are alive and lived through so many different things, some good, some bad, and some tragic. You have a story to share. I encourage you to so so. Share your testimony, break it down into chapters so you do not become overwhelmed. In Revelation 12, you will read …10 And I heard a loud voice in heaven, saying: “Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of His Christ. For the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down—he who accuses them day and night before our God. 11 They have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; and they did not love their lives so as to shy away from death. 12 Therefore rejoice, O heavens, and you who dwell in them! But woe to the earth and the sea; with great fury the devil has come down to you, knowing he has only a short time.”…

Life shared is life given, and that is what you give when you give your testimony. I know how afraid you can be when thinking of sharing yourself with another, and how even writing your testimony can be a draining experience. Pouring yourself out, exposing yourself, and knowing that once it is out there you can’t take it back. Then fear of judgement and rejection begin to work on our thoughts. Afraid that if they learn who we truly are and what we had done in the past they would no longer love or want us in their life. One word of encouragement is, ‘god knows you, and He knows everything you have ever done and He still loves you!’ Proof is in that He loved you so very much that He sent Jesus, His Son to die for you. So that you can live. Yes some may criticize or even condemn us when we open up and let His light into the dark areas of our lives, but His light overcomes the darkness. His love never fails, and He will never abandon you.

So it is now your turn, speak up and share what He has done in your life, and reach out to someone you do not even know that is hurting and give them hope.

P.S. I have not stopped working on Right Relations and I am still looking for testimonies on relationships, both good and bad, that I may include in this work. If you feel led to share with me please leave me a comment and I will give you my contact information. I also would like to tell you anything you share with me if used can be kept anonymous.

Thank you and God bless

Right Relations / Rough Draft Continues / Adultery

We have looked at adultery through the eyes of one who was cheated on, now let us look at adultery through someone committing the act. The best example found in the Bible is the story of David and Bathsheba. You can read about this in the Bible 2 Samuel chapters 11 and 12. David who had fought in many battles before did not go with his army. Then one night while his soldiers were gone to battle David was home and woke up in the night. He went to his roof top and saw a woman bathing. He didn’t just watch her bathe, he inquired about who she was. Finding out that she was the wife of Uriah one of David’s soldiers. He still sent for her and slept with her. Then when she told him she was pregnant, David tried to cover up the affair, by first bringing Uriah back from battle. Yet Uriah did not go home and sleep with his wife. So David sent him to a place he was sure Uriah would die in battle. So not only did David commit adultery and betray one of his soldiers, he had the man killed and took Bathsheba for his own wife.  The story does not end there. The Lord sends Nathan to David to reprove him. Nathan confronts David about what he has done letting David know that God knows his sin and has removed it but one of the consequences of his sin is that the child will die and that the sword will never leave his house.

So David does finally acknowledge his affair but he had to be confronted first. How different the outcome might have been if he had owned up to his sin before trying to cover it up to only make it worse. They say it is better to tell the truth because when you lie you have to keep lying until you forget what you have said and eventually the lie is exposed. When we lie and cheat we hurt others and ourselves. These unseen wounds will not heal overnight. You broke the other’s trust in you and it will never be the same again.

What if it is you that has committed adultery? Are you still having the affair, or have you ended the relationship? Do you feel like there is no hope, and that you cannot be forgiven? Read John chapter 8. You will read about a woman caught in adultery and how Jesus forgives her of her sin and tells her go and sin no more. Acknowledge your sin and repent.  People may never trust you again and this might be the consequence of your sin. There is forgiveness in God’s love. As Jesus said, ‘Go and sin no more’.