National Suicide Prevention Week& My Testimony

In Recognition of National Suicide Prevention week I am sharing my testimony once again, not because I am proud of what I had done but to share how grateful I am that I am still alive today. I hope this piece of my testimony will help at least one person.

Testimony / I gave up on life and survived

This is one of the most difficult thing I have to share with the world. I am not seeking your pity nor do I need your judgment. I am sharing this only because I pray to reach if just one person who is at the end of their rope and is ready to jump of of that ledge.

I cannot say that I understand your pain or what has lead you to this point but I pray that you will stop long enough to read these words that  I am writing.

It will be five years this Thanksgiving when my world had grown so dark and the pain was more than I could bear that I did give up on life. Falsely accused and arrested in the middle of the night just a couple of months prior my world was turned upside down. After a lifetime of abuse and a multitude of wrong decisions I was alone and all the pain I had suffered over my life came down upon me like a crushing wave. I am not a coward but had nothing that I felt that was living for. Alone on  a holiday meant for family and giving thanks all I could see was darkness and feel the loneliness of being cut out of my own life.  I lost my will to live. So with what I thought was going to be my last breath I kicked the stool out from underneath me. The belt I used to hang myself did not do the job I thought it would because it stretched that even though I lifted my legs it stretched until I was literally sitting on the floor. Yelling at God and pounding my fist on my floor like a child throwing a temper tantrum that I couldn’t even do this right. I continued to yell and cry until I heard a voice. It was not harsh or condemning but loving. I heard it say, ‘Are you done yet?’  I know you probably think I was crazy and just hearing things. Obviously my mental state was impaired. (This was not the first or only time I have heard God speaking to me by the way, but the other times they are different stories.) I did just try to hang myself. Yet as I heard that voice I know I was not imagining anything. It was real, I had heard His Voice before so I know it when I hear it. Though no one was physically in my empty home but myself there was someone who was watching over me. I even knew what they meant when they asked if I was done yet. You see this was not the first suicide attempt I had attempted, but my third. So I responded, ‘Yes Lord I am done. Obviously You aren’t done with me yet.’ Then I heard Him say, ‘Get up. It is not over yet.’

So I stood up and took the belt from around my own neck. I was amazed because how long it had stretched and that not mark was left on my neck. (A little note a couple of years later I tried to stretch that same belt and it did not give an inch, so no one can tell me God is not real.) I still had a long road ahead of me and the trials did not go the way I had believed but even on the final day of court when the rest of my world as I knew it came to a crashing end and though I was innocent of the charges I was still found guilty. I lost everything but my life and my home. You won’t believe this but as crushed as I felt, I heard God speak to me again. He said to me, ‘Can you forgive them now?’ I responded with, ‘Not because I want to but because of You I will.’ Even though not one thing went well for me, I knew God was with me. That even though I was found guilty in the court of man I was not guilty in His eyes and that He did not abandon me even when I wanted to end it all. My mother died suddenly at the end of my trials, and I lost my daughter, but God was with me through it all. I won’t say thoughts of giving up have not crossed my mind since but a small still voice says don’t give up. So as hard as it is at times because the battles I still must fight wear me down that I want to toss in the towel and quit, I know that I can’t. I must finish the race. I have not yet reached the finish line.

I will never know why my life did not end that day or why my previous attempts failed, when others who have attempted the same act are gone. I know that I am no better a person than another. My life is no more valuable than anyone else’s life so why am I still here? To be honest only God knows the real reason. My only conclusion I can come to on my own is to share my story and hopefully reach at least one person who is where I was at, or inspire someone else to reach out to someone who is suffering just to let them know they are not alone and that someone does care. Call them or even better visit with them. Don’t push too hard to get them to talk but be there and continue to be there. I did not immediately share my story but a year later I was part of a church who arranged an event inspired by a number of suicides in the area that happened in a very short time period. I saw lives touched and was inspired to start sharing my story. With the holidays upon us I personally know how difficult it is for anyone who suffers from depression and anxiety or is suffering any form of abuse. You may feel unloved, rejected and alone. The pain may be suffocating and the world may be completely dark without light of hope. I was there and I survived but you may not so please don’t give up. If there is no one in your immediate life that you feel safe to turn to there are others that even though they may be strangers who will listen to you who will give you the compassion that you need and even help. Your life is valuable and you are important. So important that God sent His Son to die for you.

Call someone. Get help. Please do not give up. I may not know you but you are in my prayers and I pray you find the love of Jesus and the strength and comfort He has for you.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We’re committed to improving crisis services and advancing suicide prevention by empowering individuals, advancing professional best practices, and building awareness.  1-800-273-8255  website  http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/#

HELPGUIDE.ORG

If you’re thinking about suicide, please read Suicide Help or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) in the U.S.! To find a suicide helpline outside the U.S., visit IASP or Suicide.org.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention-helping-someone-who-is-suicidal.htm

1-800-SUICIDE

Always remember that there are phone numbers that you can call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week,  from any location in the United States:

 

Testimony / I gave up on life and survived

1-800-273-TALK / (1-800-784-2433)   (1-800-273-8255)

This is only a short list of where you can find help whether you are the one who is struggling or you think you may know someone who needs help please get the help that you need and please do it before it is too late. I know my life choices have been far from right too many times and that I survived but I know that if I try again I won’t survive again. Life is precious please don’t give up because you are precious and nothing can replace you in this world.

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https://www.popsugar.com/fitness/Sip-Hope-Coffee-Shop-Mental-Health-44989598

 

I am a liar

Wow,I said it.I am a liar.How can this be?I am a child of God so how can I tell a lie?Every time I say that I am fine when I am not,I am lying. Does that mean I am a bad person? No it doesn’t,but I am not being honest.It would be better for me to say I don’t feel like talking or I have been better. This way I am being honest with out having to lie.

This does not mean that I pretend that I don’t have any problems or that I am not hurting.I do need to have someone I trust that I can talk to. A person who can help me with my struggle whatever it may be. A person who will listen and be honest with me. Someone who is kind but will not be what I like to call a ‘Yes man ‘. I do not need a person who will agree with me if I am in the wrong.A real friend who cares about more than my feelings. They want what is best for me,and will tell me the truth even when they know I may not like what they have to say.

The truth can be painful and difficult to speak but if we lie we are only hiding in the dark. You can not see the way out in the dark. Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Light. If I want to get better I need to be honest and tell the truth.

December 18, 2017 Monday

The Lord is always good and faithful, so why is it that we who are called His let fear and doubt overcome us. Most days we live bold as lions and our faith does not waiver. Throw the worse at us and we face it without fear. Then there are those days that something as simple as an unpaid bill and fear and worry fills our thoughts. ‘Where is the money going to come from? Is our electric going to be turned off? How will we pay the rent or mortgage?’ Just a few examples of fears we can have. Not that paying our bills are not important because it is, but I am not afraid of someone attacking me or hurting me even when I am alone in a dangerous area. Tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, etc… and I am as calm as can be. Put a a bill in front of me and my mind races to figure out how is it going to get paid. I know the His Word and that He is Jehovah Jireh, the Lord who provides for my needs. He has kept me alive and been there with me in the darkest hours of my life. So why is it when it comes to the things I should trust Him without a second thought, I go into panic mode? I think of this scripture when I struggle with fear or doubt;

Mark 9:24(NKJV) Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

So why do I have fears and doubts when I know God loves me and cares for all of my needs? It is like being an elephant who is huge and strong but is afraid of a little mouse. This is an area I have worked on but still struggle with. I read His Word, pray, and even fast, yet still I struggle. Well tomorrow is another day and I will try again.

Things I Want….8/11/2017

Today I want to be able to feel the pain in my body without it effecting my mood.

This is not something new for me but my pain level over the last two weeks has been more than unbearable and it has worn me down to raw nerves. This how ever is no excuse for wrong behavior on mt part, and I also should not let it make me a less compassionate or loving person.

I read my Bible, I pray, and I sings songs of praise in worship which on any other day lifts my spirit, but in the last week I can really tell a difference in my attitude towards others. I am less patient, I tend to get offended easier than usual, and I am snapping at people I know God is forgiving and I know He did not cause my body t be in pain, but if this pain is the thorn in my flesh that I must bear then I want to do so with a spirit of joy and longsuffering. I want others to see the love of Jesus in spite of my pain.

Well it is time to get back to moving I have both packing and unpacking to do.

Knocked down again

Yesterday I wrote https://emotionalpeace.wordpress.com/2017/07/30/knocked-down-but-back-up-again/comment-page-1/#comment-2521 Knocked down but back up again. Well since then I have come down with a stomach bug, came home from getting a Sprite to calm my stomach only to spill it all over my living room floor. When I went to get a mop to clean it up I slipped and fell landing face first hurting my knee and wrist which was finally feeling better from a fall I took a couple of weeks ago when I got tripped by a dog.

So here is my question and thought for today –

Q: What do you do when you fall and no one is there to help you up?

To be honest when I fell I cried and yelled at first, but there was no one but me to clean up the spilled soda, so I had no choice but to make myself get up and mop up the mess. I then got some ice packs and and laid on the couch. One of my fears is that one day I will fall and not be able to make myself get up and since I live alone I wonder how long will I lay on the floor till help comes. For me it could be days since I do not get frequent visitors. My concern is not for me alone. I work as a home caregiver now and my job is to not only cook and clean for my clients but companionship and to be able to call for medical help if there is a need. I have had clients who have wonderful families who check on them on a regular basis but I have also had clients that have no one. These are the ones my heart has empathy for since I know what it is like to be alone and not in the greatest health. A friend of mine asked her pastor once if the church did anything for the the home bound people in the area and he replied no because if they wanted to hear the Word they would find a way to make it to church. She pointed out that if they made cds of the sermons these people would appreciate being able to hear the message and feel cared for. He did not agree. I often take a meal to any of my neighbors knowing how nice it is to just to be thought of or picked a flower and gave it to them just to brighten their day. It is not much and I am limited in what I can do but I do this because I know what it feels like to be not only alone but to feel lonely and unimportant at times. Yesterday my next door neighbor knowing I didn’t feel well brought me flowers from her flower bed and I am thankful for her thoughtfulness. Sometimes we will get knocked down and are not able to immediately get back up. It hurts and can be terrifying. We can lay there while fear overcomes us and we drown in loneliness. The other option is to breathe and take moment to clear your thoughts. Being afraid is not going to get you back up and you might be alone without physical help but Jesus is always with you even when you are fallen. It hurt like hell getting up after I fell and mopping up the mess did not make any part of me feel better, but this time I got up. I wasn’t happy and a few colorful words did escape my mouth as I cleaned up the mess and yes now I am resting giving my body a chance to heal up but tomorrow will come and I will get back up and do it allover again. Hopefully without falling or being sick. i have to hold on to hope and not give into fear and trust no matter how bad it gets God is always for me.

Proverbs 24:16
For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again, But the wicked stumble in time of calamity.

Sleep the elusive dream continued “A call to prayer”

How many of you find it difficult to find sleep at the end of the day? Insomnia as it is medically labeled is something more people than we realize suffer with. After not sleeping last night and my ramblings I posted during the night hours, I have a thought I would like to share. I know that you do not know me and I do not know you, but if you are like me and are awake while the rest of the world sleeps, why don’t we start praying together. We can pray for each other. We can pray for loved ones. We can pray for our leaders and for the leaders around the world. We can pray for blessings, for peace, and for healing. We can pray together for anything and for anyone.

Let us use this time in the night to good and not complain about the lack of sleep but pray together that God’s will be done. If Christ is in you as He is in me we are not strangers but are one with God who created us. With as many of us who live with the lack of sleep come together sharing each others burdens can you imagine what God can do with our prayers? Prayer is a gift and a weapon. Let us use it for good. If you will join me in this idea please post a comment. You can leave a request for prayer and I will pray with you for that need or the person who needs prayer. What ever prayer is needed there will be no judgment only loving prayers. If you know others who have trouble sleeping ask them if they will join in prayer. Let us instead of being insomniacs become warriors in the night. I hope and pray to take back from the enemy what He has stolen from us be turned into victory for Jesus Christ. Let us take back our nights. Let us pray! Please join me in prayer.

James 5:15-17 The Prayer of Faith
15and the prayer offered in faith will restore the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up, and if he has committed sins, they will be forgiven him. 16Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much. 17Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the earth for three years and six months.…

Matthew 18:18-20 18“Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven. 19“Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven. 20“For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst.”

Righteous anger or just plain anger?

How do you know if your anger is righteous or if you are just plain angry? I know of many who will justify not only their anger but what is done in anger, and some that will even use scripture to give just cause. Yet is this right?

Along with fighting depression I have a major battle with anger. I have been told I am right to be angry for the things that have been done to me. That they understand why I have reacted in anger and that it was okay because I was hurt. Something inside of me says this is wrong. There is no excuse that I can give for any outburst of anger that I have had. No matter how minimal the damage I may have done when I have been angry I have still caused damage. Even if it was just my words and that I shot off my mouth, Wrong is wrong. Almost everything I have ever broken when I have been angry has belonged to me, It dos not matter if I threw an object and it shattered or I tore up clothes or burnt pictures. The damage cannot be undone. This damage is not as bad as the words that have come out of my mouth, and the cursing that I have done. Even the hateful thoughts are wrong. For it starts as a thought, then comes out in either physical actions or words and both can do irreversible damage.

They say to be careful with a cornered animal because you do not know how it will react or how bad it can hurt you. I used to be that cornered animal, and all the pain that was inflicted upon me to make me cower in fear. To control and manipulate me would eventually back me into a corner where I felt the only way to survive was to fight back with all that was left within me. The saying dynamite comes in small packages was one I used quite a bit yet I out my own spin on it. I would say, ‘Dynamite comes in small packages but nitro comes in smaller and has a bigger bang. Call me Nitro.’ That was when I was proud to be angry. I had every reason to be yet the person who I hurt the most was myself.

I thank God that I am not that woman any more. Yet I still fight the anger that sometimes still boils to a rage inside of me. The difference now is that I know it is wrong and I can acknowledge that the words or even the thoughts I have when I get angry like this are wrong. One saying I can agree with today is, ‘Two wrongs do not make a right.’

So how do I know my anger is not righteous? For one reason is because a hatred begins to burn inside. Then condemning and hate filled thoughts fill my mind. No one even has to be around, just a thought of something that upsets me pops into my head and a fuse gets lit and the anger begins. Thankfully this is not an everyday occurrence but when my body’s pain level rises I have noticed my level of agitation lowers and I become more irritable. Why share any of this with anyone? I learned a while back that by putting things out into the light exposes the darkness hidden within me. Then the darkness has to flee. Scripture tells us to take every thought captive. I believe this is good because not every thought that passes through our minds are good. We are to rid ourselves of the damaging thoughts and keep the ones that keep us focused on Jesus Christ. I would like to say that the war on my anger has been won, but I still have my battles. There are battles I have won and there are battles in which I lost. I thankfully get a reprieve from these battles but then the war rages on and the fight begins again. The thing I am learning is that I do not fight anger with anger and I definitely do not fight it with hate. I start with myself and acknowledge any wrong on my part and then repent and ask God for His mercy and to help change me into a more loving person, that can be loving and merciful to those who seek to do me harm. Learning that these people are just being used as weapons and that the real enemy is not human, and is nor the terrible and painful events in ones life. The really enemy will wear any disguise that will help him do the most damage. He will twist your hurt and pain and try to make you his puppet. Something I have learned is that he only has the power over me that I give him. Will I still feel pain? Yes, I will. Can this body die? Yes it will. James told us to count it all joy when we face various trials and tribulations. How can we do this?We turn to God. We believe Jesus. We allow His Holy Spirit to help and comfort us. We cry out to God. We tell Him how we are feeling and we pour out our tears at His feet.

I have not yet reached the goal but I get up each day and press forward. There are days I lay down weakened by my body, my mind and this life. Then the nest day comes and it is back on my feet, even if I do not feel like it. Of course that is when I think God has a cattle prod and gives me a loving jab. Yet I know those jabs are because He loves me and He does not want me to fall to the wayside. So I do no fight like I used to. I am learning that not only do I need to turn my cheek but as much as it pains me to offer up the other one. The battle is the Lord’s, I need to just trust in Him.