Wow,I said it.I am a liar.How can this be?I am a child of God so how can I tell a lie?Every time I say that I am fine when I am not,I am lying. Does that mean I am a bad person? No it doesn’t,but I am not being honest.It would be better for me to say I don’t feel like talking or I have been better. This way I am being honest with out having to lie.
This does not mean that I pretend that I don’t have any problems or that I am not hurting.I do need to have someone I trust that I can talk to. A person who can help me with my struggle whatever it may be. A person who will listen and be honest with me. Someone who is kind but will not be what I like to call a ‘Yes man ‘. I do not need a person who will agree with me if I am in the wrong.A real friend who cares about more than my feelings. They want what is best for me,and will tell me the truth even when they know I may not like what they have to say.
The truth can be painful and difficult to speak but if we lie we are only hiding in the dark. You can not see the way out in the dark. Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Light. If I want to get better I need to be honest and tell the truth.
The Lord is always good and faithful, so why is it that we who are called His let fear and doubt overcome us. Most days we live bold as lions and our faith does not waiver. Throw the worse at us and we face it without fear. Then there are those days that something as simple as an unpaid bill and fear and worry fills our thoughts. ‘Where is the money going to come from? Is our electric going to be turned off? How will we pay the rent or mortgage?’ Just a few examples of fears we can have. Not that paying our bills are not important because it is, but I am not afraid of someone attacking me or hurting me even when I am alone in a dangerous area. Tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, etc… and I am as calm as can be. Put a a bill in front of me and my mind races to figure out how is it going to get paid. I know the His Word and that He is Jehovah Jireh, the Lord who provides for my needs. He has kept me alive and been there with me in the darkest hours of my life. So why is it when it comes to the things I should trust Him without a second thought, I go into panic mode? I think of this scripture when I struggle with fear or doubt;
Mark 9:24(NKJV) Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”
So why do I have fears and doubts when I know God loves me and cares for all of my needs? It is like being an elephant who is huge and strong but is afraid of a little mouse. This is an area I have worked on but still struggle with. I read His Word, pray, and even fast, yet still I struggle. Well tomorrow is another day and I will try again.
Today I want to be able to feel the pain in my body without it effecting my mood.
This is not something new for me but my pain level over the last two weeks has been more than unbearable and it has worn me down to raw nerves. This how ever is no excuse for wrong behavior on mt part, and I also should not let it make me a less compassionate or loving person.
I read my Bible, I pray, and I sings songs of praise in worship which on any other day lifts my spirit, but in the last week I can really tell a difference in my attitude towards others. I am less patient, I tend to get offended easier than usual, and I am snapping at people I know God is forgiving and I know He did not cause my body t be in pain, but if this pain is the thorn in my flesh that I must bear then I want to do so with a spirit of joy and longsuffering. I want others to see the love of Jesus in spite of my pain.
Well it is time to get back to moving I have both packing and unpacking to do.
Yesterday I wrote https://emotionalpeace.wordpress.com/2017/07/30/knocked-down-but-back-up-again/comment-page-1/#comment-2521 Knocked down but back up again. Well since then I have come down with a stomach bug, came home from getting a Sprite to calm my stomach only to spill it all over my living room floor. When I went to get a mop to clean it up I slipped and fell landing face first hurting my knee and wrist which was finally feeling better from a fall I took a couple of weeks ago when I got tripped by a dog.
So here is my question and thought for today –
Q: What do you do when you fall and no one is there to help you up?
To be honest when I fell I cried and yelled at first, but there was no one but me to clean up the spilled soda, so I had no choice but to make myself get up and mop up the mess. I then got some ice packs and and laid on the couch. One of my fears is that one day I will fall and not be able to make myself get up and since I live alone I wonder how long will I lay on the floor till help comes. For me it could be days since I do not get frequent visitors. My concern is not for me alone. I work as a home caregiver now and my job is to not only cook and clean for my clients but companionship and to be able to call for medical help if there is a need. I have had clients who have wonderful families who check on them on a regular basis but I have also had clients that have no one. These are the ones my heart has empathy for since I know what it is like to be alone and not in the greatest health. A friend of mine asked her pastor once if the church did anything for the the home bound people in the area and he replied no because if they wanted to hear the Word they would find a way to make it to church. She pointed out that if they made cds of the sermons these people would appreciate being able to hear the message and feel cared for. He did not agree. I often take a meal to any of my neighbors knowing how nice it is to just to be thought of or picked a flower and gave it to them just to brighten their day. It is not much and I am limited in what I can do but I do this because I know what it feels like to be not only alone but to feel lonely and unimportant at times. Yesterday my next door neighbor knowing I didn’t feel well brought me flowers from her flower bed and I am thankful for her thoughtfulness. Sometimes we will get knocked down and are not able to immediately get back up. It hurts and can be terrifying. We can lay there while fear overcomes us and we drown in loneliness. The other option is to breathe and take moment to clear your thoughts. Being afraid is not going to get you back up and you might be alone without physical help but Jesus is always with you even when you are fallen. It hurt like hell getting up after I fell and mopping up the mess did not make any part of me feel better, but this time I got up. I wasn’t happy and a few colorful words did escape my mouth as I cleaned up the mess and yes now I am resting giving my body a chance to heal up but tomorrow will come and I will get back up and do it allover again. Hopefully without falling or being sick. i have to hold on to hope and not give into fear and trust no matter how bad it gets God is always for me.
For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again, But the wicked stumble in time of calamity.
How do you know if your anger is righteous or if you are just plain angry? I know of many who will justify not only their anger but what is done in anger, and some that will even use scripture to give just cause. Yet is this right?
Along with fighting depression I have a major battle with anger. I have been told I am right to be angry for the things that have been done to me. That they understand why I have reacted in anger and that it was okay because I was hurt. Something inside of me says this is wrong. There is no excuse that I can give for any outburst of anger that I have had. No matter how minimal the damage I may have done when I have been angry I have still caused damage. Even if it was just my words and that I shot off my mouth, Wrong is wrong. Almost everything I have ever broken when I have been angry has belonged to me, It dos not matter if I threw an object and it shattered or I tore up clothes or burnt pictures. The damage cannot be undone. This damage is not as bad as the words that have come out of my mouth, and the cursing that I have done. Even the hateful thoughts are wrong. For it starts as a thought, then comes out in either physical actions or words and both can do irreversible damage.
They say to be careful with a cornered animal because you do not know how it will react or how bad it can hurt you. I used to be that cornered animal, and all the pain that was inflicted upon me to make me cower in fear. To control and manipulate me would eventually back me into a corner where I felt the only way to survive was to fight back with all that was left within me. The saying dynamite comes in small packages was one I used quite a bit yet I out my own spin on it. I would say, ‘Dynamite comes in small packages but nitro comes in smaller and has a bigger bang. Call me Nitro.’ That was when I was proud to be angry. I had every reason to be yet the person who I hurt the most was myself.
I thank God that I am not that woman any more. Yet I still fight the anger that sometimes still boils to a rage inside of me. The difference now is that I know it is wrong and I can acknowledge that the words or even the thoughts I have when I get angry like this are wrong. One saying I can agree with today is, ‘Two wrongs do not make a right.’
So how do I know my anger is not righteous? For one reason is because a hatred begins to burn inside. Then condemning and hate filled thoughts fill my mind. No one even has to be around, just a thought of something that upsets me pops into my head and a fuse gets lit and the anger begins. Thankfully this is not an everyday occurrence but when my body’s pain level rises I have noticed my level of agitation lowers and I become more irritable. Why share any of this with anyone? I learned a while back that by putting things out into the light exposes the darkness hidden within me. Then the darkness has to flee. Scripture tells us to take every thought captive. I believe this is good because not every thought that passes through our minds are good. We are to rid ourselves of the damaging thoughts and keep the ones that keep us focused on Jesus Christ. I would like to say that the war on my anger has been won, but I still have my battles. There are battles I have won and there are battles in which I lost. I thankfully get a reprieve from these battles but then the war rages on and the fight begins again. The thing I am learning is that I do not fight anger with anger and I definitely do not fight it with hate. I start with myself and acknowledge any wrong on my part and then repent and ask God for His mercy and to help change me into a more loving person, that can be loving and merciful to those who seek to do me harm. Learning that these people are just being used as weapons and that the real enemy is not human, and is nor the terrible and painful events in ones life. The really enemy will wear any disguise that will help him do the most damage. He will twist your hurt and pain and try to make you his puppet. Something I have learned is that he only has the power over me that I give him. Will I still feel pain? Yes, I will. Can this body die? Yes it will. James told us to count it all joy when we face various trials and tribulations. How can we do this?We turn to God. We believe Jesus. We allow His Holy Spirit to help and comfort us. We cry out to God. We tell Him how we are feeling and we pour out our tears at His feet.
I have not yet reached the goal but I get up each day and press forward. There are days I lay down weakened by my body, my mind and this life. Then the nest day comes and it is back on my feet, even if I do not feel like it. Of course that is when I think God has a cattle prod and gives me a loving jab. Yet I know those jabs are because He loves me and He does not want me to fall to the wayside. So I do no fight like I used to. I am learning that not only do I need to turn my cheek but as much as it pains me to offer up the other one. The battle is the Lord’s, I need to just trust in Him.
It is easy to be critical and judgmental. I find myself doing both on a regular basis. I can justify my judgments and even back some up with scripture. Yet when I am doing this am I trying to point people to the Word or am I trying to use the Word to justify my actions? Another reason to act n this way is when you have been under attack most of your life or feel under attack the automatic response can be to lay down and play dead and pretend there is nothing wrong or to be defensive and attack what you feel is attacking you.
In my life I have suffered abuse, rape, ridicule and a list of other painful events. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, and fight depression, and even tried to commit suicide. If you were to meet me on a good day, and that is a day when the level of joy in my heart out weighs the darkness in my mind you would not guess the level of pain I am in. I have a friend when she first met me, she was drawn in by the level of joy I had that even though I was going through one of the worst periods of my life I could smile and be friendly. She wanted to know how I could be like this, and my answer was Jesus. That even though I had lost what was most important to me, I did not lose my relationship with Him and that through the trials I actually grew closer. did this mean my depression and sorrow left me? The unfortunate answer is no.
So what is there to do? Sing in the rain! Dance through the pain! Then laugh until I cry. I can still laugh even though I hurt. I can laugh at myself. The funniest jokes are the ones I can relate to personally. If all I do is curl up in a ball, pulling the covers over my head and cry, then I remain in the dark. Laughter helps me break the sound of sorrow. Sharing my laughter helps others. It encourages us that even when we hurt we can laugh and find joy in this painful life. People will criticize me and say that I am wrong and some will even say that I am being disrespectful. If I fall down and end up in a puddle of mud I can sit and cry like a child, or I can get up laugh and stomp around the mud. Which is the better choice? By the way I did fall in a large puddle of mud once and ended up sitting in mud that covered me to the waste while working one job many years ago. I had an entire crew witness me do this. I could have sat there embarrassed by my slip but instead I laughed and started a mud fight. Grown adults playing in the mud. It had broke the tension of a bad work day where we working in a bad condition because of what the weather had done to the job site. Instead we ended up laughing the rest of the day and the rest of our work though difficult was lightened by our better mood. So sing in the rain, splash around in the puddles, and lift yourself and others out of the muddy pit you may be in. I am grateful to be able to laugh when I feel so much pain. So criticize me if you feel you have to, meanwhile I will be making mud pies and stomping in the puddles making a splash in this life. It may seem silly and wrong to you but if I can make one person smile and better yet laugh, then I have done good and you cannot take that away from me.