I have not been on this site for a while and have not written for even longer. Yet I still occasionally read posts of other bloggers. Most of have heard the saying ‘If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all’. Well that is how I have been feeling for a while. So much negativity had built up in me. Those of you who have been reading my posts when I first started blogging know of my struggle with depression and PTSD. I know I am not the only one, we have good days and we have bad ones, but we keep going. Eventually we become overwhelmed and have to take a step back and put ourselves into an adult time out. My desire not to speak negatively can have one set back for me and that is I can become a hermit, and begin shutting out people. I don’t want to say something that I will regret so I pull away, and distance myself. I have learned not to completely shut everyone out so I have struggled to keep lines of communication open with with a small group of friends, but even this has been difficult. I read the Word, pray, and even watch messages online, but I understand the importance of fellowship. Connecting with others, both believers and nonbelievers. I am not saying you will see me on here every week but I am coming out of my cave. so i will be seeing you all again soon. God bless and keep you all safe.
Gary Roe, an author and grief counselor has a web page to help those who are battling with suicidal thoughts, and for their loved ones. His goal is to reach as many people as he can to help prevent this tragedy. For someone who has battled with depression and suicide attempts, I am grateful for the support I have received through his counsel and his books.
His latest book ‘Living on the Edge’ Teen addition is one I recommend to anyone. We all have teenagers in our lives and this is a useful tool to help you recognize and hopefully prevent a loss of life. You can find it on Amazon. There are 3 more books that will be released over the summer which I am looking forward to reading myself. With so many dealing with depression, anxiety, and grief, we are losing loved ones to suicide. We have to do everything that we can to fight this. We need to not only be there but we need to be informed in how we can best help.
I survived my suicide attempts, which I have shared in my testimony, “I gave up on life and survived’, but many who are on this path don’t make it because they are fighting a battle they can’t win on their own. Be the one who can make a difference, because you may be the only one to reach that person who is at the end of their rope.
Check out Gary’s website and get a copy of his book.
It took me blowing up and verbally abusive towards my daughter to realize that I was taking out my physical and emotional pain on her. When I heard the words coming out of my mouth, I realized that I had become my abusers all rolled up in one. Even though it was verbal, the damage was done. My relationship’s with those who had abused m, had affected how I was relating to my daughter. Thankfully I realized that I needed to stop and get help. The words that had come out of my mouth still haunt me. I had to acknowledge that I had allowed pain and anger fill me with hate. Filled with hatred how could I love? Anger and resentment towards others effected how I treated my daughter. I love her, but what she got was an unstable mother who loved her but did not know how to love. I am thankful that through counseling and going through ‘Life ‘s Healing Choices’ a small group my church had offered helped me to make the changes that I had to, so I could heal from the abuse O had suffered. That what was done to me did not justify my behavior. I had to acknowledge the wrongs that I have done without blaming my actions on another. I am grateful that God forgave me and that I am not who I used to be. Now I pray that my daughter can forgive me and know that she never deserved how she was treated.
What do you do when you have done everything you can do? I have not been able to write for a while and even today typing this message is hurting me a lot, but the inspiration to share what my current state is teaching me is stronger than the pain. For over a month now I have been in so much pain I have barely been able to make it to work, but that is all I have been able to do. I hate missing fellowship with my church River of Life Christian Center, they may not be my natural family but they are my spiritual family. The hugs and love and words of encouragement, I really miss. I am thankful that I do not have to miss the messages because I can watch them online which feed me God’s word, but it is not the same as being there with them. Nick and Alissa my pastor and his wife are wonderful and have come by to check on me as well as my prayer team leader and friend Diane. Yet I want to be able to do more than barely work. I want to spend time with my spiritual family. (If you don’t have a church you should come by, and if you are not in the area check us out online https://www.facebook.com/riveroflifeoverflowing/ )
I only work 20 to 30 hours a week and after cleaning and preparing meals for others but I come home and I cannot care for myself because my body can’t do more. Each week my pain level has increased, one more body are is going out on me. As I said in the beginning of this the pain in my hands is terrible and every stroke on the key board is like knives and electric pain from my fingers up through my arms and neck, which is increasing my headache.
I live alone so this makes things more difficult because there is only me, and then on Monday my phone was shut off, leaving me feeling even more cut off and isolated, thank God I still have internet. I also battle depression, so things have really been piling up. Do I blame God? Definitely not! He did not cause the damage to my body, my abusers are responsible for my physical pain, even the abuse has been over for a while now, the damage done is done. Do I believe God can heal me? Yes I do! Just because the physical healing has not manifested, I know I am healed. It is in God’s hands.
Yet frustration over circumstances and pain leaves me stressed over taking care of my basic necessities. My church helps but I cannot expect them to pay for everything. I work even though my body screams at me it is in pain, so I have done everything I can to take care of my bills, my health, and my stated of mind. I know when people ask if I have done this or that and I have done it all, I am not frustrated with them, but the fact that instead in spite of doing everything I can and I am getting worse instead of better. It makes no logical sense. I trade putting heat and ice on my back and neck. I do the stretches I am supposed to do. I do breathing exercises, etc… and most important I pray and read or listen to His Word. I am finally taking a day off from work which I probably should have done sooner, but didn’t because of bills have to get paid and mine is the only income and yes I tithe.
Does my frustration mean I have lost faith? No. I have done everything that I possibly can, yet I have still come up short. A quick side lesson from this is no matter how hard you work, you cannot earn salvation, it is a gift from God, paid for by Jesus.
So what do I do now that I have done everything I can and I still fall short of meeting my basic needs? I wait and trust God is in control. What did Jesus say when He was in the boat and his disciples were afraid of the storm? – Matthew 8:26a ‘Your faith is so small! Why are you so afraid?’ There He was sleeping peacefully on a boat that was getting rocked by the storm and would have slept peacefully through the entire storm had the disciple in their fear woke Him up. Yes a storm may be all around me but He is in the boat with me. Now I do know this in my mind it is getting this message listened to by my body that is the challenge. Yes I am frustrated because of what I can’t do right now. I am however thankful that God is compassionate and understanding and just because I don’t feel good right now it does not change who He is or our relationship. So now that I have done everything that I can? For now I will rest and I know He is for me. He is the Good Father. I will trust in Him with my whole heart and lean not on my own understanding.
In Recognition of National Suicide Prevention week I am sharing my testimony once again, not because I am proud of what I had done but to share how grateful I am that I am still alive today. I hope this piece of my testimony will help at least one person.
This is one of the most difficult thing I have to share with the world. I am not seeking your pity nor do I need your judgment. I am sharing this only because I pray to reach if just one person who is at the end of their rope and is ready to jump of of that ledge.
I cannot say that I understand your pain or what has lead you to this point but I pray that you will stop long enough to read these words that I am writing.
It will be five years this Thanksgiving when my world had grown so dark and the pain was more than I could bear that I did give up on life. Falsely accused and arrested in the middle of the night just a couple of months prior my world was turned upside down. After a lifetime of abuse and a multitude of wrong decisions I was alone and all the pain I had suffered over my life came down upon me like a crushing wave. I am not a coward but had nothing that I felt that was living for. Alone on a holiday meant for family and giving thanks all I could see was darkness and feel the loneliness of being cut out of my own life. I lost my will to live. So with what I thought was going to be my last breath I kicked the stool out from underneath me. The belt I used to hang myself did not do the job I thought it would because it stretched to the point that even though I had lifted my legs it stretched until I was literally sitting on the floor. Yelling at God and pounding my fist on my floor like a child throwing a temper tantrum, screaming that I couldn’t even do this right. I continued to yell and cry until I heard a voice. It was not harsh or condemning but loving. I heard it say, ‘Are you done yet?’ I know some of you probably think I was crazy and just hearing things. Obviously my mental state was impaired. (This was not the first or only time I have heard God speaking to me by the way, but the other times they are different stories.) I had just tried to hang myself. Yet as I heard that voice I know I was not imagining anything. It was real, I had heard His Voice before so I do know it when I hear it. Though no one was physically in my empty apartment but myself there was someone who was watching over me. I even knew what they meant when they asked if I was done yet. You see this was not the my first suicide attempt, but my third. So I responded, ‘Yes Lord I am done. Obviously You aren’t done with me yet.’ Then I heard Him say, ‘Get up. It is not over yet.’
So I stood up and took the belt from around my own neck. I was amazed because how long it had stretched and how that no mark was left on my neck. (A little note a couple of years later I tried to stretch that same belt and it did not give an inch, so no one can tell me God is not real.) I still had a long road ahead of me and the trials did not go the way I had believed and hoped for. Even on the final day of court when the rest of my world as I knew it came to a crashing end and even though I was innocent of the charges I was still found guilty. I lost everything but my life, my home, and I was banned for life from my daughter, so I had lost her too. You won’t believe this but as crushed as I felt, I heard God speak to me again. He said to me, ‘Can you forgive them now?’ I responded with, ‘Not because I want to but because of You I will.’ Even though not one thing went well for me, I knew God was with me. That even though I was found guilty in the court of man I was not guilty in His eyes and that He did not abandon me even when I wanted to end it all. My mother died suddenly at the end of my trials, and I lost my daughter, but God was with me through it all. I won’t say that thoughts of giving up have not crossed my mind since but a small still voice says you can’t give up now, You have come too far to give up now. So as hard as it is at times because the battles I still must fight wear me down that I want to toss in the towel and quit, I know that I can’t. I must finish the race. I have not yet reached the finish line.
I will never know why my life did not end that day or why my previous attempts failed, when others who have attempted the same act are gone. I know that I am not a better person than anyone else. My life is no more valuable than another’s life so why am I still here? To be honest only God knows the real reason. The only reason I can think of is that I am to share my story and hopefully reach at least one person who is where I was at, who is hiding their pain and their struggles from the world till it has gotten to be too much for them to carry by themselves. The other reason might be to inspire you to pray for God to reveal those who are hiding their pain from the world, so that you can reach out to someone who is suffering. To someone who feels rejected, cut off and isolated, so you can let them know that they are not alone and that someone does care. Call them or even better visit with them. Don’t push too hard to get them to talk but be there and continue to be there. I did not immediately share my story but a year later I was part of a church who arranged an event inspired by a number of suicides in the area that happened in a very short time period. I saw lives touched and even though I was inspired to start sharing my story, I didn’t. With the holidays upon us I personally know how difficult it is for anyone who suffers from grief, depression and anxiety or is suffering any form of abuse. You may feel unloved, rejected and alone. The pain may be suffocating and the world may be completely dark without light of hope. I was there and I survived but you may not so please don’t give up. If there is no one in your immediate life that you feel safe to turn to, there are others that even though they may be strangers, who will listen to you who will give you the compassion that you need and even help. Your life is valuable and you are important. So important that God sent His Son to die for you.
Call someone. Get help. Please do not give up. I may not know you but you are in my prayers and I pray you find the love of Jesus and the strength and comfort He has for you.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We’re committed to improving crisis services and advancing suicide prevention by empowering individuals, advancing professional best practices, and building awareness. 1-800-273-8255 website http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/#
Always remember that there are phone numbers that you can call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, from any location in the United States:
1-800-273-TALK / (1-800-784-2433) (1-800-273-8255)
This is only a short list of where you can find help whether you are the one who is struggling or you think you may know someone who needs help please get the help that you need and please do it before it is too late. I know my life choices have been far from right too many times and that I survived but I know that if I try again I won’t survive again. Life is precious please don’t give up because you are precious and nothing can replace you in this world.
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Sip of Hope’s proceeds go toward Hope For the Day
Wow,I said it.I am a liar.How can this be?I am a child of God so how can I tell a lie?Every time I say that I am fine when I am not,I am lying. Does that mean I am a bad person? No it doesn’t,but I am not being honest.It would be better for me to say I don’t feel like talking or I have been better. This way I am being honest with out having to lie.
This does not mean that I pretend that I don’t have any problems or that I am not hurting.I do need to have someone I trust that I can talk to. A person who can help me with my struggle whatever it may be. A person who will listen and be honest with me. Someone who is kind but will not be what I like to call a ‘Yes man ‘. I do not need a person who will agree with me if I am in the wrong.A real friend who cares about more than my feelings. They want what is best for me,and will tell me the truth even when they know I may not like what they have to say.
The truth can be painful and difficult to speak but if we lie we are only hiding in the dark. You can not see the way out in the dark. Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Light. If I want to get better I need to be honest and tell the truth.
The Lord is always good and faithful, so why is it that we who are called His let fear and doubt overcome us. Most days we live bold as lions and our faith does not waiver. Throw the worse at us and we face it without fear. Then there are those days that something as simple as an unpaid bill and fear and worry fills our thoughts. ‘Where is the money going to come from? Is our electric going to be turned off? How will we pay the rent or mortgage?’ Just a few examples of fears we can have. Not that paying our bills are not important because it is, but I am not afraid of someone attacking me or hurting me even when I am alone in a dangerous area. Tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, etc… and I am as calm as can be. Put a a bill in front of me and my mind races to figure out how is it going to get paid. I know the His Word and that He is Jehovah Jireh, the Lord who provides for my needs. He has kept me alive and been there with me in the darkest hours of my life. So why is it when it comes to the things I should trust Him without a second thought, I go into panic mode? I think of this scripture when I struggle with fear or doubt;
Mark 9:24(NKJV) Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”
So why do I have fears and doubts when I know God loves me and cares for all of my needs? It is like being an elephant who is huge and strong but is afraid of a little mouse. This is an area I have worked on but still struggle with. I read His Word, pray, and even fast, yet still I struggle. Well tomorrow is another day and I will try again.
Today I want to be able to feel the pain in my body without it effecting my mood.
This is not something new for me but my pain level over the last two weeks has been more than unbearable and it has worn me down to raw nerves. This how ever is no excuse for wrong behavior on mt part, and I also should not let it make me a less compassionate or loving person.
I read my Bible, I pray, and I sings songs of praise in worship which on any other day lifts my spirit, but in the last week I can really tell a difference in my attitude towards others. I am less patient, I tend to get offended easier than usual, and I am snapping at people I know God is forgiving and I know He did not cause my body t be in pain, but if this pain is the thorn in my flesh that I must bear then I want to do so with a spirit of joy and longsuffering. I want others to see the love of Jesus in spite of my pain.
Well it is time to get back to moving I have both packing and unpacking to do.
Yesterday I wrote https://emotionalpeace.wordpress.com/2017/07/30/knocked-down-but-back-up-again/comment-page-1/#comment-2521 Knocked down but back up again. Well since then I have come down with a stomach bug, came home from getting a Sprite to calm my stomach only to spill it all over my living room floor. When I went to get a mop to clean it up I slipped and fell landing face first hurting my knee and wrist which was finally feeling better from a fall I took a couple of weeks ago when I got tripped by a dog.
So here is my question and thought for today –
Q: What do you do when you fall and no one is there to help you up?
To be honest when I fell I cried and yelled at first, but there was no one but me to clean up the spilled soda, so I had no choice but to make myself get up and mop up the mess. I then got some ice packs and and laid on the couch. One of my fears is that one day I will fall and not be able to make myself get up and since I live alone I wonder how long will I lay on the floor till help comes. For me it could be days since I do not get frequent visitors. My concern is not for me alone. I work as a home caregiver now and my job is to not only cook and clean for my clients but companionship and to be able to call for medical help if there is a need. I have had clients who have wonderful families who check on them on a regular basis but I have also had clients that have no one. These are the ones my heart has empathy for since I know what it is like to be alone and not in the greatest health. A friend of mine asked her pastor once if the church did anything for the the home bound people in the area and he replied no because if they wanted to hear the Word they would find a way to make it to church. She pointed out that if they made cds of the sermons these people would appreciate being able to hear the message and feel cared for. He did not agree. I often take a meal to any of my neighbors knowing how nice it is to just to be thought of or picked a flower and gave it to them just to brighten their day. It is not much and I am limited in what I can do but I do this because I know what it feels like to be not only alone but to feel lonely and unimportant at times. Yesterday my next door neighbor knowing I didn’t feel well brought me flowers from her flower bed and I am thankful for her thoughtfulness. Sometimes we will get knocked down and are not able to immediately get back up. It hurts and can be terrifying. We can lay there while fear overcomes us and we drown in loneliness. The other option is to breathe and take moment to clear your thoughts. Being afraid is not going to get you back up and you might be alone without physical help but Jesus is always with you even when you are fallen. It hurt like hell getting up after I fell and mopping up the mess did not make any part of me feel better, but this time I got up. I wasn’t happy and a few colorful words did escape my mouth as I cleaned up the mess and yes now I am resting giving my body a chance to heal up but tomorrow will come and I will get back up and do it allover again. Hopefully without falling or being sick. i have to hold on to hope and not give into fear and trust no matter how bad it gets God is always for me.
For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again, But the wicked stumble in time of calamity.
Let us use this time in the night to good and not complain about the lack of sleep but pray together that God’s will be done. If Christ is in you as He is in me we are not strangers but are one with God who created us. With as many of us who live with the lack of sleep come together sharing each others burdens can you imagine what God can do with our prayers? Prayer is a gift and a weapon. Let us use it for good. If you will join me in this idea please post a comment. You can leave a request for prayer and I will pray with you for that need or the person who needs prayer. What ever prayer is needed there will be no judgment only loving prayers. If you know others who have trouble sleeping ask them if they will join in prayer. Let us instead of being insomniacs become warriors in the night. I hope and pray to take back from the enemy what He has stolen from us be turned into victory for Jesus Christ. Let us take back our nights. Let us pray! Please join me in prayer.
James 5:15-17 The Prayer of Faith
…15and the prayer offered in faith will restore the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up, and if he has committed sins, they will be forgiven him. 16Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much. 17Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the earth for three years and six months.…
Matthew 18:18-20 18“Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven. 19“Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven. 20“For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst.”