Righteous anger or just plain anger?

How do you know if your anger is righteous or if you are just plain angry? I know of many who will justify not only their anger but what is done in anger, and some that will even use scripture to give just cause. Yet is this right?

Along with fighting depression I have a major battle with anger. I have been told I am right to be angry for the things that have been done to me. That they understand why I have reacted in anger and that it was okay because I was hurt. Something inside of me says this is wrong. There is no excuse that I can give for any outburst of anger that I have had. No matter how minimal the damage I may have done when I have been angry I have still caused damage. Even if it was just my words and that I shot off my mouth, Wrong is wrong. Almost everything I have ever broken when I have been angry has belonged to me, It dos not matter if I threw an object and it shattered or I tore up clothes or burnt pictures. The damage cannot be undone. This damage is not as bad as the words that have come out of my mouth, and the cursing that I have done. Even the hateful thoughts are wrong. For it starts as a thought, then comes out in either physical actions or words and both can do irreversible damage.

They say to be careful with a cornered animal because you do not know how it will react or how bad it can hurt you. I used to be that cornered animal, and all the pain that was inflicted upon me to make me cower in fear. To control and manipulate me would eventually back me into a corner where I felt the only way to survive was to fight back with all that was left within me. The saying dynamite comes in small packages was one I used quite a bit yet I out my own spin on it. I would say, ‘Dynamite comes in small packages but nitro comes in smaller and has a bigger bang. Call me Nitro.’ That was when I was proud to be angry. I had every reason to be yet the person who I hurt the most was myself.

I thank God that I am not that woman any more. Yet I still fight the anger that sometimes still boils to a rage inside of me. The difference now is that I know it is wrong and I can acknowledge that the words or even the thoughts I have when I get angry like this are wrong. One saying I can agree with today is, ‘Two wrongs do not make a right.’

So how do I know my anger is not righteous? For one reason is because a hatred begins to burn inside. Then condemning and hate filled thoughts fill my mind. No one even has to be around, just a thought of something that upsets me pops into my head and a fuse gets lit and the anger begins. Thankfully this is not an everyday occurrence but when my body’s pain level rises I have noticed my level of agitation lowers and I become more irritable. Why share any of this with anyone? I learned a while back that by putting things out into the light exposes the darkness hidden within me. Then the darkness has to flee. Scripture tells us to take every thought captive. I believe this is good because not every thought that passes through our minds are good. We are to rid ourselves of the damaging thoughts and keep the ones that keep us focused on Jesus Christ. I would like to say that the war on my anger has been won, but I still have my battles. There are battles I have won and there are battles in which I lost. I thankfully get a reprieve from these battles but then the war rages on and the fight begins again. The thing I am learning is that I do not fight anger with anger and I definitely do not fight it with hate. I start with myself and acknowledge any wrong on my part and then repent and ask God for His mercy and to help change me into a more loving person, that can be loving and merciful to those who seek to do me harm. Learning that these people are just being used as weapons and that the real enemy is not human, and is nor the terrible and painful events in ones life. The really enemy will wear any disguise that will help him do the most damage. He will twist your hurt and pain and try to make you his puppet. Something I have learned is that he only has the power over me that I give him. Will I still feel pain? Yes, I will. Can this body die? Yes it will. James told us to count it all joy when we face various trials and tribulations. How can we do this?We turn to God. We believe Jesus. We allow His Holy Spirit to help and comfort us. We cry out to God. We tell Him how we are feeling and we pour out our tears at His feet.

I have not yet reached the goal but I get up each day and press forward. There are days I lay down weakened by my body, my mind and this life. Then the nest day comes and it is back on my feet, even if I do not feel like it. Of course that is when I think God has a cattle prod and gives me a loving jab. Yet I know those jabs are because He loves me and He does not want me to fall to the wayside. So I do no fight like I used to. I am learning that not only do I need to turn my cheek but as much as it pains me to offer up the other one. The battle is the Lord’s, I need to just trust in Him.

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Acceptable Loss?

When is loss of life acceptable and meaningless? The world treats life as it is expendable. Your life an my life mean nothing to this world. Drugs both legal and illegal taking lives everyday. Babies thrown away through countless abortions. Lives lost to murders. Fatal car accidents caused by careless drivers who are to busy on their phone or devices. This list goes on and you know of ways lives are wasted or destroyed everyday.

You can heard it said in our government and big business the term acceptable loss. It is usually a financial loss when it comes to business but not always. The bean counters calculate the costs of lawsuits to be filed against the company. If the pay out to the law suits is less than making the costly changes that may prevent the loss of life then they proceed and subtract the legal costs from their profits.Then there are casualties of war. Innocent lives of no combatant people, the nonmilitary residents of a war zone who are injured or worse killed due to battles happening where they live.Once again you can hear the term acceptable loss.

The unfortunate fact that lives will be lost and people will be injured and killed everyday is going to happen. Even people who live in peaceful areas still face death. Most hope to pass from this world peacefully.  Yet I do not believe that any loss of life is acceptable and I believe God feels the same. If He did not He could have wiped us out  years ago before He sent His Son to pay the price for our sins. Yet He is merciful and patient. He is not slow as we count slowness but patient that all call to repentance.2 Peter 3:9.

As frustrating as waiting can be, I am grateful God is patient, loving and merciful or none of us would have a chance. Your life and the lives of those around you, and not just the lives of those you like, all life is precious to Jesus. He died for you and for me so that we can live and not perish. Life is a gift and we should treasure all life. No loss is acceptable.

Matthew 18:12-14

John 3:16

Romans 6:23

John 6:35

The Day Says Goodbye The Night Says Hello

I was inspired to take a walk as the sun was setting and the moon was rising and this song came to mind.

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As I looked out my back door and this was my view.  So I went outside to capture the beautiful sky.

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Then I turned to go back into my apartment and I see that the moon is rising. I thought, ‘I say hello and you say goodbye’ beginning the song in my head.

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So I take an evening walk to get  better view. The moon is so bright I am even able to capture the water tower next to the moon.

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The moon is in the perfect place to see between the branches of a tree as I walk closer to the west. The view reminded me of lace.

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I turned back facing towards my home and this is the view I see in the sky to the east.

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The last traces of the sun on the horizon as the star first star shines bright in the evening sky.

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The streetlights come on as the sun disappears from the horizon and the stars come out.

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Goodbye day, and hello night.

As the day says goodbye and the nights says hello I can’t help but think about all the senseless hatred and strife that is going on today. We are missing the beauty of God’s wonderful creation. Not only in nature but in the people all around us. We are all different but all created equal in God’s eyes. Our Creator who has given to each individual free will. Does this mean each person will agree? Doubtfully, but that is okay. I do not have to agree with you and you do not have to agree with me. The only one who is every truly right is Jesus. For He is the Truth, the Light, and the Way. No one came come to the Father except through Him. No religion or doctrine can get me to my Fathers home. Only Jesus. I can argue with you until I am blue in the face and I will never be able to change your mind and guess what? It is not my job to make you do anything. I can share with you all of the wonderful things Jesus has done and continues to do in my life, but I will not try to force you to believe in what I believe. I do hope though when you look around this world and the mess it is in that you can see the beauty and His love despite what man has done to one another and to this world. It is still beautiful, and His love amazes me everyday. I am just thankful that He gave me eyes to see all the beauty and love that surrounds me.

Photography by Julie Sheppard/Bridgeport, Texas 2/10/2017

I Fell In Love!!!

I have fallen in love. I never knew that I could do this. Love seemed to be a fairy tale that only lived in the imagination. The funny thing is that the one who I have fallen in love with has been in my life all along and still loves me. They have definitely seen me at the worst parts of my life. They at times without my knowledge kept me from being harmed. They never even pointed out what they had done but was content in knowing that I was safe. They never demanded my time but sat quietly on the sidelines of my life watching me with loving eyes.

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I lived my life as a grew from a rebellious teenager into a strong willed adult. Yes life had not been fair to me I lived through abuse, physical, sexual and emotional most of my life. I was angry and bitter. I wanted love but all I knew was hate. I hated my self for being weak. I hated what was done to me. I looked for comfort in the arms of those who would never love me and who would eventually hurt me more than any comfort I thought I had found being with them. I tried to escape my mind through drugs and parties.

Yes many thought of me as kind and giving. A caring person. I believe this was true because I wanted to be loved so badly that I would give all that I had in hope of kindness to be returned. Unfortunately the more I gave the more I was used and the more bitter my heart became. Yet in the shadows f the dark world I lived in he silently waited for me to turn my attention to him.

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I even found religion and began changing my behavior to fit in with the rest that I went to church with. Though my outward appearance had changed and my speech was cleaned up it was only a play that I was performing in even if I had not realized that was all i was doing. I thought I was living a better life. My heart and mind were still filled with angry bitter and unforgiving thoughts. I would eventually get hurt by those I went to church with. I married a man he had come to my church. I thought he was perfect. It did not take long for my eyes to be opened to who he really was. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. When the abuse and the cheating happened I was then blamed. They told me it was my fault because if I had been a better Christian wife he would never have to do what he was doing.

Yet even while this was going on he was sending people to me to tell me about his love. I did n’t know it but he was there every time my husband had sent me to the ER. He had even listened to my prayer. I had been asking God for six month that if He knew my husbands heart would change and the abuse would stop, that I would forgive my husband and be the wife He wanted me to be. If however my husband was going to be the end of my life to free me as only God could. The answer came back in September 1996. My husband left me. I was free. I would like to say that this is when I found my true love but like I have said my love had always been there I just did not know he was there waiting for me.

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I went on with my life filled with bags of hate, regret, unforgiveness, blame,resentment, bitterness, and rage to name a few of the things I had kept packed away in my heart. In all of this he still loved me. Unbelievable I know. He never forced his will upon me, and never made any demands. I slowly traveled the road that would eventually take me to a place where I could unload some of this baggage. As my load got lighter my heart began to soften as he chiseled away at my hardened heart.

He was in my heart and I did not know it. He often spoke to me but I had not known it was him. Yet those gentle words had soaked deep into my heart and were waiting for me to break free. You see I had not realized that I had become a prisoner of my own making. There may not have been bars of a jail cell but I had built walls around me and had allowed my self to harden so that I could survive in this world.

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Yet know matter how far away from him that I tried to run he was always there. Yet when I looked around all I could see was the pain inflected upon me and the mess I was making of my own life. The guilt and shame I felt made me feel unworthy of being able to be loved. I was so foolish. Yet as I kept walking on my path through this life he had not only been walking with me. He was guiding me with unseen hands. When I wanted to end it all he lifted me up and gave me the strength to take another step. Then another. Then one day I turned around and I could see him there in all of his glory. He loved me! I was loved. No guilt or condemnation, just love at its’ best. Then I let myself fall into his arms and felt his arms wrap around me. He cleansed me and took my filthy clothes and gave me clean garments. He received me into his family and made me a daughter of the true King. I finally fell in love with the One who has loved me all along.

 

Giving Thanks February 3, 2017

Psalm 77:11 “I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old.” (ESV)

I am thankful that I am not who I used to be thanks to the transforming love of God.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” (KJV)

I give thanks to God for keeping a roof over my head that I have an apartment to call my home.

Psalm 136:1 “Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.” (NLT)

I thank You Jesus that you brought to me the gift of salvation and that it is not something I could have ever earned but that You love me so much You gave your life for mine.

It is easy to forget in our busy lives the importance of giving thanks for the blessings we receive every day. Being someone diagnosed with PTSD I have to make an effort to give thanks everyday because it helps me to find the good in each day, Being thankful is a choice. So by giving thanks for the blessings God gives to me helps me find joy because I know He loves me and cares for all of my needs.

Proverbs 17:22(NKJV) 22 A merry heart does good, like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones.

Good news comes but sometimes you have to wait.

With so much of my testimony being about pain and abuse I thought it was time to share a small part but a part of my life that had a lot of impact and as painful as it was there was great joy when the news finally came.

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This April it will be five years since my mother suddenly died of a stroke. Yes this is a sad fact. I love my mother and miss her. Yet I am not focusing on this right now.
You see when she died I did not know where she was with Jesus. We had finally started having a real relationship and mending old wounds. We were finally actually talking. I looked forward to our Thursday phone calls. Something I miss now that she is gone. I know this is sounding sad to you but it this story  does have a happy ending.
Okay a year and a half goes by after her death with this nagging question. Will I ever see her again? Did she receive Jesus as her Savior? I thought that I would go the rest of my life on earth without ever knowing till I was in Heaven. God was gracious to me and did not make me wait that long though. A couple of weeks before Thanksgiving I read an email from my Auntie Mary in Hawaii. In the email she included a video clip of the praise and worship from her church. As I watched the dancers and listened to the music play, I read her email which said, ‘This is where your Mom gave her heart back to Jesus’. My mother had recently went back to Hawaii for her aunties funeral and while there she went to church with my Auntie Mary. The news that I had so long waited for had finally come.
I still miss her and love her, but I am grateful that she is waiting for my by my Saviors side and our life together is not over. I thank God that this news finally came.

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Here is a video of the praise and worship from that church.

Rant! Feminists, Protests and Jesus!

So you are a feminist. Can you tell me what is feminine about you?  I am a woman and proud to be one but I do not have to be loud or vulgar to prove that. I do not have to tear down a man to make myself feel better about myself either. I definitely do not have to wear profane costumes to show that I am a woman. I get respect because I respect others. Being disrespectful to anyone for any reason and then demanding respect gets you nowhere. You think you are better because you protest just about everything and think you are equal with people like Martin Luther King Jr.?  Do you think you are Joan of Arc? How many of you think you can endure what she did? Maybe you think you are Rosa parks and that your protests are in the same level as she did as she peacefully sat in a seat at the bus only saying she did not see why she had to move. For this she was arrested. Did she use vulgarity or flaunt parts of her body or did her quiet actions speak louder than you could ever yell? She is remembered with dignity what will you be remembered with?

Here are a couple of posts that I have read about taking a stand and about these current protests that have been going on in the world today.

https://mitchteemley.com/2017/01/30/take-a-stand/

https://atimetoshare.me/2017/01/30/kathy-rant-2/

Today women say they want equality when they seem to be lowering themselves more and more with each passing day. Women who do not need a man to degrade them because they are doing the job just fine by themselves. Women who are angry because the tax dollars will no longer be paying for your right to kill an unborn child. Then if a woman stays home to raise her children you put her down saying she has no influence or power. I will tell you that it takes a strong woman to leave the work force to raise a child especially in this day and time. Women who struggle to raise her children to be respectable and caring people. These are the children who will grow up to be productive, compassionate and giving adults, even though they live in a selfish world.

The world has become populated with overgrown children throwing destructive temper tantrums.  Women are not alone in this all the other protesters who have rioted and looted based on racial prejudice. Well our new President has members on his staff that are both men and women and have different racial backgrounds, but you dismiss them because they do not fit in the little peg holes that fit you so called violated rights.  Blaming everyone else for the condition of this world and taking no real responsibility for your own actions.  What is heart breaking is these protests say they want peace, love and equality but are spewing out words of hate and division.

Jesus died to pay the price for the sin of every man, woman or child regardless of their race or background. He gave His life even when rejected by those He loves, yet you protesters say that God is vengeful and demanding and you want nothing to do with Him. Yet even while you are doing all of this protesting, using vulgarity and hate, He still loves you. He waits patiently for you and wants so much for you to receive His love. Jesus did not demand His rights as He hung on a cross after being beaten and mocked. Instead He said, ‘Father forgive them, they know not what they do.’

True equality will only be found In Jesus Christ for in God’s eyes we are neither male or female and He does about discriminate because of the color of your skin. He created us all and loves us all equally.

Okay my rant is done for the day.

a link to a biography for Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King Jr and Joan of Arc

http://www.biography.com/people/rosa-parks-9433715#ordered-to-the-back-of-the-bus

http://www.biography.com/people/martin-luther-king-jr-9365086

http://www.biography.com/people/joan-of-arc-9354756