When I was 5 years old, my parents divorced. My father got custody of me and my brother. I grew up thinking that my mother had left me behind. It was an abusive marriage, and I was left with her abuser to be abused myself. I felt abandoned. I was lied to for most of my life about my mother and how my father got custody. I was made to believe that she left me by her own choice. That she was selfish and only cared about partying and sex. She was in my life, and I saw her often but I still felt abandoned. As I got older and started living a very self destructive life. I loved and hated her. I loved her because she was my mother. I hated her because I thought she had abandoned me to be raised by her abuser. It was not until the year before she died that I learned the truth. She had not abandoned me, but had to make a choice that no mother should ever had to make. I have shared my testimony on my arrest and trials, so I will not go into all those details. Yet that was what it took for her to share what had been done to her. It was one of the most painful conversations that I have had. Yet it brought us both healing, and understanding. I learned that she had not abandoned me, but had done what she had to, so that she could be in my life, even though she knew what kind of man my father was.
I have had a problem with relationships, for many reasons. Growing up thinking that I had been abandoned, had also caused me to feel rejected. I still struggle with feeling unwanted. I don’t feel like I fit in. So how can I feel close to an unseen God? My Heavenly Father. Being lied to and feeling abandoned and rejected, how can I trust Him?
First I have to realize that He is not a man. He is God. In other religions the god requires sacrifice from their subjects. With God, my Heavenly Father, He sacrificed His own Son, to forgive us, and to adopt us, making us His children and not just mere worshippers. Yet even being called His child, with my history with my own parents is still having an affect on how I am able to relate to others. Including my Heavenly Father. How can I trust that He wants me and that He has chosen me. I know I don’t deserve His love, that I have committed many sins. Yet in spite of all that I have done wrong, His love is perfect and He loves me perfectly. He will never leave or forsake me or you.
Read Deuteronomy 31:6&8
Psalm 27:10, 38:21, 71:9
Not sure why the wedding at Cana (John 2:1-11 ) keeps coming to me and the various insights I get each time. My thought today is on what the guest had to say about the wine. That normally wine at other weddings at this point in the celebrations would have not have been the best. Meaning it would either be of lesser quality or you could say watered down. Today as I look upon this passage, I am thinking that how many of us have watered down our faith. We are called Christians, read our Bibles, and go to church. We even serve and take part of various ministries. We believe in the name of Jesus and that He is the Son of God, our Savior and Redeemer, but have our hearts grown weak? Are we merely going through the motions, watering down the Word of God. We dismiss one part or another saying that it is not for today. Yet I can’t stop thinking about the fact that Jesus is the Word of God, and that He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. God is the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. So why is it so easy to fall into believing we can dismiss any part of His Word, because we don’t like or agree with it? We compromise, or turn a blind eye because we hide behind not wanting to judge. I understand this because there is much written about judgment. Like in the same way you judge, you will be judged ( Matthew 7:2). Jesus also said ‘How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ while there is still a beam in your own eye?’ (Matthew 7:5) We cannot ignore His instruction about our behaviors just because of fear of judging others or being judged. Jesus made it clear that if we love Him we will keep His commands Adding one, that we are to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. Jesus did not do away with God’s commands. Which are found in Exodus and Deuteronomy. The fact they are written in two books of the Bible tells me their importance. Jesus even told us to look with lust in our eye is equal to adultery, and that hatred is equal to murder. Yet, many of us our guilty of one or more of these things, and instead of receiving God’s correction we make excuses, and claim His grace while continuing doing the things we know we need to stop. Read His commandments and we can find in one are or another we have compromised. Yes I have been called a legalist, yet I know that I am guilty of what I am talking about and that if I continue doing the things I know are wrong are agree with others saying it is okay to overlook a sin then I am not being faithful to Him. We live in this world but we are not to conform to it, but be transformed by His Word. Submit to God and resist the devil. To me this means turn from my own ways of doing things or what others say that I am to do and do as His Word tells me. If I don’t understand something He says then dig deeper into His Word and pray for understanding, He will give it to me. His ways are not ours and His thoughts are not ours. So if I want the full strength of His promises and provisions I cannot water down and compromise His Word in my life, even if others disagree with me.
1.It is only in your mind.
2.You are just seeing things.
3. Hearing voices?
The list above all happen in your head, Like get your head on straight, meaning straighten out your way of thinking. The land of imagination is found in your mind. Creativity comes from your mind not your hands. Even scripture tells us to take every thought captive, and put on the helmet of salvation. So much power is in your mind. I think that without imagination it is difficult for a person to believe in a God who loves us. Loves us so much He sent His Son to die for us. Think about it. If you are a parent, you would sacrifice your life for your child. You however would not sacrifice your child for any reason, and definitely not for people who hate you. But that is what God has done for us. Hard to believe isn’t it.
John 3:16-17 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.
It is only in your mind – you must believe. Sin starts as a thought before it becomes an act and belief is a thought that can lead you to salvation. Believe in Jesus and you will have eternal life. Isaiah 55:8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.”
You are seeing things – He will open your eyes to see more clearly. Ephesians 1:18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, Psalm 119:18 Open my eyes, that I may behold Wonderful things from Your law.
Hearing voices? – Do you hear Him calling you? John 10:27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me: Josh 2:11 Hearing this has melted our heart, neither has there remained any more spirit in any man because of you, for the LORD your God is God above in the heavens and in the earth beneath.
If you have not already done this, I pray that you open your eyes to see the true love of The Father, an open your ears to hear Him calling you. Then open your mind to believe Jesus is the Son of God and receive Him as Lord and Savior.
Matthew 13:16 “But blessed are your eyes, because they see; and your ears, because they hear.
It is sad you can grow up in a house and learn nothing of your own heritage. I know that this is how I was raised. I know little of my mothers family history other that I am descendant of Samurai and from Okinawa. My mother while growing up refused to take the Japanese classes. So she was not able to teach me to read or write Japanese as I growing up. Even though my father got custody of me and my brother, I learned little to nothing of his side of my family. I was 20 years old before I knew that grandfather I grew up with was my step grandfather. As looked at a picture of my real grandfather I was asked if I knew who this man was. There is a list of other things I grew up not knowing. So why I am I discussing these things? We can be raised in our family home and still not learn one thing about our heritage. Now those of us who have been adopted into God’s family, how many of us really know our heritage?
1 Corinthians 3:6 I planted the seed in your hearts and Apollos watered it, but it was God who made it grow.
2 Peter 3:18 but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ To Him be the glory, both now and to the day of eternity. Amen.
Ephesians 3:17-19 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.
1 Peter 2:2 like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation,
Ephesians 4:15 but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ,
I do not know how many of you have read any other parts of my testimony. The dark and what could look like hopeless periods of my life. I have shared how I was falsely accused and criminally charged with felony assault. This had been done after I had been cleared by CPS three times, when they found the charges were not true. My stepmother had turned my daughter against me, and with the help of my father I was arrested and dragged through the criminal courts. In the end I lost my daughter and was banned from her life up to not having any contact up to 3rd party. It was a difficult defeat. My world had ended as I knew it. Especially when my mother died of a sudden stroke within a month of the courts ruling. All of this is included in another testimony “I gave up on life and survived”. Well after 7 years my daughter did come back into my life almost a year and a half ago. I was so happy to have her back in my life that I trusted God that He would protect me and not let go to prison for having contact with my daughter, and the grandson you gave birth to while I was banned from her life. I had asked her to go to the courts last year so I could have permission to see her without fear of legal repercussion, because since it was a criminal charge she did not have to be used at this point to have me arrested again. Anyone with a grudge against me could tell the courts I was in violation of the court ruling. Mainly the people I feared was my own family. Since I was afraid of their actions but did not want to reject my daughter and wanted to get to know my grandson I tolerated any negative behavior on their part out of fear. Fear of going to prison and fear of losing my daughter and now my grandson.
Some may wonder how did I go on with my life after all that I had lived through. There is a scripture that I held on to, and shared with other parents and it is Jeremiah 31:16-17 But I, the Lord, say to dry your tears. Someday your children will come home from the enemy’s land. Then all you have done for them will be greatly rewarded. 17 So don’t lose hope. I, the Lord, have spoken.(CEV)
Here is the news I have to share today. My daughter went to the courts yesterday and the good news is I am no longer banned from her life. I am angry to learn that the judge and attorneys had lied to me at my final hearing, and that the banning from my daughters life ended in April 2017, but the the judge, the prosecutor and the papers I received gave no end date, stating that I was permanently banned. I have lived with the fear of what they could do to me since my daughter had chosen to come back into my life. I tolerated their negative behavior and bit my tongue more times than I can count, afraid if I spoke up for myself all hell would break out again and I did not know if I could go through the trials again. So lived in fear and took whatever they gave with a smile, but the risk of what they could do to me was outweighed by the joy of having my daughter and getting to know my grandson made was worth the risk. I also had to trust God would not me to suffer the same pain again. Now that dark cloud is gone and the anger will go with it. I am so relieved to be free of that fear and I can say without doubt when He gave me that scripture, He gave me a lifeline.
I thank God my daughter is back in my life and now I have a wonderful grandson, He doubled my blessing.