Testimony / I gave up on life and survived

This is one of the most difficult thing I have to share with the world. I am not seeking your pity nor do I need your judgment. I am sharing this only because I pray to reach if just one person who is at the end of their rope and is ready to jump of of that ledge.

I cannot say that I understand your pain or what has lead you to this point but I pray that you will stop long enough to read these words that  I am writing.

It will be five years this Thanksgiving when my world had grown so dark and the pain was more than I could bear that I did give up on life. Falsely accused and arrested in the middle of the night just a couple of months prior my world was turned upside down. After a lifetime of abuse and a multitude of wrong decisions I was alone and all the pain I had suffered over my life came down upon me like a crushing wave. I am not a coward but had nothing that I felt that was living for. Alone on  a holiday meant for family and giving thanks all I could see was darkness and feel the loneliness of being cut out of my own life.  I lost my will to live. So with what I thought was going to be my last breath I kicked the stool out from underneath me. The belt I used to hang myself did not do the job I thought it would because it stretched that even though I lifted my legs it stretched until I was literally sitting on the floor. Yelling at God and pounding my fist on my floor like a child throwing a temper tantrum that I couldn’t even do this right. I continued to yell and cry until I heard a voice. It was not harsh or condemning but loving. I heard it say, ‘Are you done yet?’  I know you probably think I was crazy and just hearing things. Obviously my mental state was impaired. I did just try to hang myself. Yet as i heard that voice I know I was not imagining anything. It was real. Though no one was physically in my empty home but myself there was someone who was watching over me. I even knew what they meant when they asked if I was done yet. You see this was not the first suicide attempt I had attempted, but my third. So I responded, ‘Yes Lord I am done. Obviously You aren’t done with me yet.’ Then I heard Him say, ‘Get up. It is not over yet.’

So I stood up and took the belt from around my own neck. I was amazed because how long it had stretched and that not mark was left on my neck. (A little note a couple of years later I tried to stretch that same belt and it did not give an inch, so no one can tell me God is not real.) I still had a long road ahead of me and the trials did not go the way I had believed but even on the final day of court when the rest of my world as I knew it came to a crashing end and though I was innocent of the charges I was still found guilty. I lost everything but my life and my home. You won’t believe this but as crushed as I felt, I heard God speak to me again. He said to me, ‘Can you forgive them now?’ I responded with, ‘Not because I want to but because of You I will.’ Even though not one thing went well for me, I knew God was with me. That even though I was found guilty in the court of man I was not guilty in His eyes and that He did not abandon me even when I wanted to end it all. My mother died, I lost my daughter, but God was with me through it all. I won’t say thoughts of giving up have not crossed my mind since but a small still voice says don’t give up. So as hard as it is at times because the battles I still must fight wear me down that I want to toss in the towel and quit, I know that I can’t. I must finish the race. I have not yet reached the finish line.

I will never know why my life did not end that day or why my previous attempts failed, when others who have attempted the same act are gone. I know that I am no better a person than another. My life is no more valuable than anyone else’s life so why am I still here? To be honest only God knows the real reason. My only conclusion I can come to on my own is to share my story and hopefully reach at least one person who is where I was at, or inspire someone else to reach out to someone who is suffering just to let them know they are not alone and that someone does care. Call them or even better visit with them. Don’t push too hard to get them to talk but be there and continue to be there. I did not immediately share my story but a year later I was part of a church who arranged an event inspired by a number of suicides in the area that happened in a very short time period. I saw lives touched and was inspired to start sharing my story. With the holidays upon us I personally know how difficult it is for anyone who suffers from depression and anxiety or is suffering any form of abuse. You may feel unloved, rejected and alone. The pain may be suffocating and the world may be completely dark without light of hope. I was there and I survived but you may not so please don’t give up. If there is no one in your immediate life that you feel safe to turn to there are others that even though they may be strangers who will listen to you who will give you the compassion that you need and even help. Your life is valuable and you are important. So important that God sent His Son to die for you.

Call someone. Get help. Please do not give up. I may not know you but you are in my prayers and I pray you find the love of Jesus and the strength and comfort He has for you.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We’re committed to improving crisis services and advancing suicide prevention by empowering individuals, advancing professional best practices, and building awareness.  1-800-273-8255  website  http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/#

HELPGUIDE.ORG

If you’re thinking about suicide, please read Suicide Help or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) in the U.S.! To find a suicide helpline outside the U.S., visit IASP or Suicide.org.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention-helping-someone-who-is-suicidal.htm

1-800-SUICIDE

Always remember that there are phone numbers that you can call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week,  from any location in the United States:

1-800-273-TALK / (1-800-784-2433)   (1-800-273-8255)

This is only a short list of where you can find help whether you are the one who is struggling or you think you may know someone who needs help please get the help that you need and please do it before it is too late. I know my life choices have been far from right too many times and that I survived but I know that if I try again I won’t survive again. Life is precious please don’t give up because you are precious and nothing can replace you in this world.

 

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Who is to blame?

As I was watching the end of a movie, and listened to what some of the people were saying about those who had saved their lives I thought how ungrateful these people were behaving.  Yes, I do know that it was just a movie but as I watched the end after the battle was over and how the heroes of the movie were being turned against by those who they fought to protect. These people that were saved were blaming them for the attack and the damage that was done. Their lives were saved yet they still had to complain and reject the ones who risked their lives to save the lives of these ungrateful people.

This made me think of how people treat God. They blame Him for all the tragedy and destruction that happens in this world. ‘Where was God?’, ‘Why didn’t God do something?’, and the list of things you may hear after an act of violence committed by a person (or group of people), or a natural disaster, and lives are lost and people are injured. Well the first thing I will say is God has done something. He sent His Son to pay the price for the sins of all men. He did this before most of us were even conceived. So He paid the price in advance for a large number of us, meaning that He didn’t wait for us to live righteous and pure lives, or even love Him in return. He loved us first as we are. Jesus proved His love by laying down His life for us while we were still sinners. Think about how Jesus was mocked while being crucified. They hung a sign above His head, ‘THIS IS JESUS, THE KING OF THE JEWS.’ Matthew 27:41-43 41Likewise, the chief priests, scribes, and elders mocked Him, saying, 42“He saved others, but He cannot save Himself. He is the King of Israel! Let Him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in Him. 43He trusts in God. Let God deliver Him now if He wants Him. For He said, ‘I am the Son of God.’” Yet still Jesus let Himself be crucified so that we may be saved. All we must do is repent and receive Jesus as Lord and Savior.

The next thing I would like to say is that He gave us free will. We choose what we will do. Yes God gave Moses the Ten Commandments to give to us. The choice is ours if we are to obey those commands.  Since all have sinned that means we have all broken at least a commandment or more. God did not want puppets or robots when He created man. He created man to love, not to control. The first gift is free will. Unfortunately people do not always choose to do what is right and cause harm and even death. The second gift is redemption. Not all choose to receive this gift. He gives us life and saves us, but are we grateful?  For too many we are not. We blame God for all the misery, illness, destruction, violence and death etc… while we choose to do as we please without care of the harm we may do. We cause the problem then blame God.   I know not everyone blames God and there are believers who are grateful and they do not blame God, but we know that even in the darkest and most tragic times He is with us.

Blame comes with judgment, and turns one against another. There is no accountability and it is always someone else’s fault. This strife causes division. This only brings destruction.  Life will not grow with hatred. Ungrateful hearts wither and die.

So what do we do then? Acknowledge our sin and repent. Receive Jesus as Lord and Savior. Forgive as we have been forgiven. Be grateful and give thanks. Love because we ARE loved.

Father, please forgive me for all the harm I have done and for any pain I have caused. Help me to forgive those who have hurt me and love those who have hated me. Thank you for Your love and mercy. May I walk in love and peace. Let there be less of me and more of you, in Jesus name. Amen.

20. Dear Abel (Letters from God Volume II)

Dear Abel,

     You are the second child of Adam and Eve. You are also my child. I love you my son. You are obedient and faithful to Me. You made a proper offering to me. You worked tending to the flock and you offered the best that you have raised.

     Your brother was jealous of your offering and became angry with you because I did not accept his offering. You showed him concern when you saw that he was not happy. He then asked you to go to the field with him where he killed you. His action came as a great surprise to you because you were his brother and you loved him.

     I love you and you are now with me.  I know you miss your mother and father. I will care for them and they will be blessed with a son. They will name him Seth. He is not you, but he will be their child and I will comfort them.

    Do not be afraid for Cain. I will place a mark on him to warn others not to take his life. He will not have an easy life, but he will live with the consequences of his actions. Live in peace with Me my child and know My love.

Love,

 Your Heavenly Father

   

Read

Genesis Chpt. 4

19. Dear Uriah

Dear Uriah,

   You are a faithful and devoted soldier and a man of great character. While you were serving your king in battle your king betrayed you and took your wife into his bed, and there she conceived a child. Out of fear of his sin being exposed, he called you home. You did not go home but slept at the entrance of his palace where his other servants slept.

   David asked you to come to him and he asked you ‘Why did you not go home as you were instructed?’ Your response showed what great character you have. You answered, “The ark and Israel and Judah are staying in tents, and my commander Joab and my lord’s men are camped in the open country. How could I go to my house to eat and drink and make love to my wife? As surely as you live, I will not do such a thing!” You acknowledged the condition of the lives of those you served with, and would not take personal comfort when you knew where they were and what they were doing.

   David became more afraid of his affair with your wife becoming exposed, so he had you eat with him and he proceeded to get you drunk. His plan did not work though; you still did not go home, but slept again with the servants on your mat.

     In David’s final attempt to cover his sin, he sent you into the most dangerous battle. He hoped that you would die in battle. Here you were faithful to a man and a king who took your wife as his own, and then he used a war to have you killed. I am sorry for what was done to you, but I am happy that you are now with Me. I am proud of you my child. I love you and I admire you.

Love,

your God

Read

2 Samuel Chpt. 11

27. Dear David (concerning Bathsheba)

Dear David,

(Regarding Bathsheba)

     You are My dearly loved. The favor I have given to you, the victories in battle, and the protection from those who sought to take your life, and still you have betrayed My love for you. You have become selfish seeking to fulfill the pleasure of your lustful desires. Have I not commanded that that adultery is forbidden? Did I not command not to covet anything that belonged to another?

     Yet you looked upon the beauty of Bathsheba and lusted after her even though she is the wife of Uriah. He fought bravely for you in your army. He has been faithful in his service to you. You then betrayed him while he was off in battle you took Bathsheba to your bed. She became pregnant and this child would expose your adulterous affair.

     You tried to cover up your affair by bringing Uriah home. You believed that he would sleep with his wife, and then everyone would believe the child was his. When he refused to leave his men and did not return to his wife, your sin could not be hidden you sent him into battle knowing that it would cause his death. How selfish and deceitfully have you behaved. Lying, coveting, cheating and killing all for your own selfish desire to be with this woman?

     Do you not remember Me and the love I have for you? How you have broken My heart. Do you not know that you cannot hide from Me the things you do? You know that I have known you since before you were made in your mother’s womb? I Am Your Lord God Almighty, there is nothing that you can hide from Me. Your actions will not go unpunished. My love for you remains, but the tears you have caused to flow from My eyes from the pain you have caused Me will not keep the rod of correction from striking you.

     This child conceived in sin will not remain with you. He will be taken from you. You will mourn and repent of your sins and I will still love you, but the favor you had will not be the same and your house will be troubled because of the selfishness of your heart. You should have looked away from her, but now it is too late. What is done cannot be undone. Keep My commands and live.

I still love you,

I Am Your Lord God Almighty

Read

2Samuel Chapters 11-12

Exodus 20:1-17

Matthew 5:27-28

14.Letters from God (fictional letters based on people in the Bible) Dear Joseph (falsely accused)

Dear Joseph,

(Falsely accused)

     You were falsely accused of attempting to rape Potiphar’s wife, when you denied her, she screamed her false accusations. She was angry because she had been rejected, something that no one had ever done. She was used to getting her way and had never been told no. So to keep you silent she lied. So now you sit in jail. Once again you are being treated terribly by those who are close to you. Even though Potiphar knew that you did not touch his wife or try to harm her. Yet he was more concerned about how this would look to others and how what she had done could affect the position he holds. For these reasons he hid the truth of what his wife had done. He knew in his heart the truth, yet he still punished you for a crime that you did not commit.

     You are paying the price for her lies. Once again you are alone in a dark place, imprisoned by another’s actions. The pain of the humiliation caused by her accusations has cut deep. This pain you are feeling is more than understandable. You suffer much, but I will see you through this. You are not alone. I Am here with you. Do not be afraid. I have plans for you, and through you I will save many. Soon two men will be in prison with you. I will give these men dreams, and to you I will give the interpretations of their dreams. Just a little while and I will take you out of your prison and place you on high and you will be given a position of power and authority.

      When this time shall come, how will you treat those who have wronged you? I know your heart, but do you? Do not let go of your faith in Me. Believe and much good will come from your suffering. I will take what has been done to you and use it to be glorified in you. What you have suffered will not be in vain. I will prosper you and you will see the power of my love and the grace of forgiveness.

I Am yours Faithfully,

Love your God

 

 Read 

Genesis chapter 38 & 39

 

12.Letters from God (fictional letters based on people in the Bible) Dear Brothers of Joseph

Dear Brothers’ of Joseph,

      I have much to say to all of you as a group. So that is why this letter is addressed to all of you instead of individual letters. For you have acted together as a group in the things you have done. I have not only seen you, but I know what your hearts. You have been concerned only for yourselves. You are supposed to be My children. Yet you have rebelled against your earthly father, conspiring to harm your own brother because of your jealousy. Did I write with my own finger, “You shall not covet”? Is this not the source of jealousy? When you want something that belongs to someone else more than what you have. Where is your heart? What were you thinking? Can you answer me these questions honestly?

       So Joseph is younger than you. His mother is not yours. Have you ever been happy to be his brother? When did jealousy and resentment come into your heart? Were these feelings grown from your mother? I ask this because she knew that your father had not chosen her, and that he was tricked into marrying her. You may wonder why I am asking you questions like these when you know that I already know the answers, but what I want is for you to think about the answers to these questions so that you can look at yourselves and all of your actions.

I want you to think about how you have been with Joseph all of his life with you. Was he a terrible brother, breaking your belongings, and hurt you every chance he could? Was he just a younger brother trying to get the approval of his older brothers? You were so jealous of him and afraid of what he would say to your father, that you threw him into a pit and then sold him into slavery. Then to cover up what you had done to him, you ruined the coat your father gave to him. You tore it and covered it in blood. Then you took his coat, and showed it to your father. You saw how much this hurt him. You could have confessed your crime and maybe gone after your brother and healed your father’s broken heart. Instead you let your father suffer in front of you because of your lies. Did you ever think about what has happened to Joseph? What do you think the slave masters did to him? Was he even alive? Did you care, or were you happy to see him gone?

      Now there is the problem of how you handled what had happened with your sister Dinah. She was the one who had been hurt and violated. Yet it wasn’t her rape that angered you. It was your father’s forgiveness which you rebelled against. They not only got rid of their idols and chose to accept Me as their only God. They were circumcised, and they did this without argument. Something good had come out of a crime committed against Dinah. Yet you were so blind that you could not see this. You say you wanted justice, but the truth is you only wanted to butcher weak and helpless men lying in their beds. You knew what circumcision would do to them at their age. You knew they would be sick with fever, and unable to defend themselves. That was when you attacked. You turned them against Me with your unforgiving actions. You chose this on your own against your father’s will, and against Me. They would not learn of my love because of you.

      You are a selfish and childish group. Your way is all you care about. I am so very disappointed in you. Look at all the people you have hurt. How you have not thought once of what your actions affect others. I have more to say, but for today I want you to think about what you have done. Then tell me have any of these things brought you any true happiness, or have you profited in any way? I am stopping here but I will write more to you soon.

Love,

Your Heavenly Father

Read

Genesis chapters 37, 34(Dinah)