National Suicide Prevention Week& My Testimony

In Recognition of National Suicide Prevention week I am sharing my testimony once again, not because I am proud of what I had done but to share how grateful I am that I am still alive today. I hope this piece of my testimony will help at least one person.

Testimony / I gave up on life and survived

This is one of the most difficult thing I have to share with the world. I am not seeking your pity nor do I need your judgment. I am sharing this only because I pray to reach if just one person who is at the end of their rope and is ready to jump of of that ledge.

I cannot say that I understand your pain or what has lead you to this point but I pray that you will stop long enough to read these words that  I am writing.

It will be five years this Thanksgiving when my world had grown so dark and the pain was more than I could bear that I did give up on life. Falsely accused and arrested in the middle of the night just a couple of months prior my world was turned upside down. After a lifetime of abuse and a multitude of wrong decisions I was alone and all the pain I had suffered over my life came down upon me like a crushing wave. I am not a coward but had nothing that I felt that was living for. Alone on  a holiday meant for family and giving thanks all I could see was darkness and feel the loneliness of being cut out of my own life.  I lost my will to live. So with what I thought was going to be my last breath I kicked the stool out from underneath me. The belt I used to hang myself did not do the job I thought it would because it stretched that even though I lifted my legs it stretched until I was literally sitting on the floor. Yelling at God and pounding my fist on my floor like a child throwing a temper tantrum that I couldn’t even do this right. I continued to yell and cry until I heard a voice. It was not harsh or condemning but loving. I heard it say, ‘Are you done yet?’  I know you probably think I was crazy and just hearing things. Obviously my mental state was impaired. (This was not the first or only time I have heard God speaking to me by the way, but the other times they are different stories.) I did just try to hang myself. Yet as I heard that voice I know I was not imagining anything. It was real, I had heard His Voice before so I know it when I hear it. Though no one was physically in my empty home but myself there was someone who was watching over me. I even knew what they meant when they asked if I was done yet. You see this was not the first suicide attempt I had attempted, but my third. So I responded, ‘Yes Lord I am done. Obviously You aren’t done with me yet.’ Then I heard Him say, ‘Get up. It is not over yet.’

So I stood up and took the belt from around my own neck. I was amazed because how long it had stretched and that not mark was left on my neck. (A little note a couple of years later I tried to stretch that same belt and it did not give an inch, so no one can tell me God is not real.) I still had a long road ahead of me and the trials did not go the way I had believed but even on the final day of court when the rest of my world as I knew it came to a crashing end and though I was innocent of the charges I was still found guilty. I lost everything but my life and my home. You won’t believe this but as crushed as I felt, I heard God speak to me again. He said to me, ‘Can you forgive them now?’ I responded with, ‘Not because I want to but because of You I will.’ Even though not one thing went well for me, I knew God was with me. That even though I was found guilty in the court of man I was not guilty in His eyes and that He did not abandon me even when I wanted to end it all. My mother died suddenly at the end of my trials, and I lost my daughter, but God was with me through it all. I won’t say thoughts of giving up have not crossed my mind since but a small still voice says don’t give up. So as hard as it is at times because the battles I still must fight wear me down that I want to toss in the towel and quit, I know that I can’t. I must finish the race. I have not yet reached the finish line.

I will never know why my life did not end that day or why my previous attempts failed, when others who have attempted the same act are gone. I know that I am no better a person than another. My life is no more valuable than anyone else’s life so why am I still here? To be honest only God knows the real reason. My only conclusion I can come to on my own is to share my story and hopefully reach at least one person who is where I was at, or inspire someone else to reach out to someone who is suffering just to let them know they are not alone and that someone does care. Call them or even better visit with them. Don’t push too hard to get them to talk but be there and continue to be there. I did not immediately share my story but a year later I was part of a church who arranged an event inspired by a number of suicides in the area that happened in a very short time period. I saw lives touched and was inspired to start sharing my story. With the holidays upon us I personally know how difficult it is for anyone who suffers from depression and anxiety or is suffering any form of abuse. You may feel unloved, rejected and alone. The pain may be suffocating and the world may be completely dark without light of hope. I was there and I survived but you may not so please don’t give up. If there is no one in your immediate life that you feel safe to turn to there are others that even though they may be strangers who will listen to you who will give you the compassion that you need and even help. Your life is valuable and you are important. So important that God sent His Son to die for you.

Call someone. Get help. Please do not give up. I may not know you but you are in my prayers and I pray you find the love of Jesus and the strength and comfort He has for you.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We’re committed to improving crisis services and advancing suicide prevention by empowering individuals, advancing professional best practices, and building awareness.  1-800-273-8255  website  http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/#

HELPGUIDE.ORG

If you’re thinking about suicide, please read Suicide Help or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) in the U.S.! To find a suicide helpline outside the U.S., visit IASP or Suicide.org.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention-helping-someone-who-is-suicidal.htm

1-800-SUICIDE

Always remember that there are phone numbers that you can call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week,  from any location in the United States:

 

Testimony / I gave up on life and survived

1-800-273-TALK / (1-800-784-2433)   (1-800-273-8255)

This is only a short list of where you can find help whether you are the one who is struggling or you think you may know someone who needs help please get the help that you need and please do it before it is too late. I know my life choices have been far from right too many times and that I survived but I know that if I try again I won’t survive again. Life is precious please don’t give up because you are precious and nothing can replace you in this world.

Check out this article on a special coffee shop that serves more than coffee.

Sip of Hope’s proceeds go toward Hope For the Day

https://www.popsugar.com/fitness/Sip-Hope-Coffee-Shop-Mental-Health-44989598

 

A thought and a question… 9/14/2017

I have been trying this year to get my thought life in order. Yet no matter how hard I try sometime during a day I have entertained some negative thought. Too often more than one is entertained. Then I vent over my frustrations and aggravations. So here I am thinking on the negative and being negative. This is not good at all. Scripture tells me that I am to take every thought captive. It does not say to entertain every thought. (2 Corinthians 10:5 (NKJV)  casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ,) So what should I keep my thoughts focused on? Scripture answers this question as well.  (Philippians 4:8 (NKJV)  Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.)

Step one – Take every thought captive and submit it to Christ.

Step two – Choose to think about what is pure and true, and what ever glorifies Jesus.

Sounds easy doesn’t it? Yet we all know this is not an easy task. It is actually a battle we must wage everyday and keep ourselves in check.

Now while all of these thoughts rolled around my little head I thought of this – If I am to keep my thoughts in check, should this not include my conversations? Thinking upon this question I wondered when was the last time I had a conversation with anyone that did not include complaining, judgment (myself or the other party in the conversation), whining or anything that was negative. To be honest I cannot think of any conversation other than with the cashier at the grocery store. So I wondered would it be possible to have only positive conversations ( this includes both people talking)? I wonder if it would be possible for me to not only speak positively but only entertain positive conversations for even a day, and if I could do this could I make it three days? I laughed and thought I would have to not speak at all. This however is not something that is actually funny. So I am challenging myself to see if I can make it three days only speaking to others in a positive and life giving manner. God help me! Ephesians 4:29 (NKJV)  Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.

Question: Could you for three days have only positive conversations?

Things I Want….8/11/2017

Today I want to be able to feel the pain in my body without it effecting my mood.

This is not something new for me but my pain level over the last two weeks has been more than unbearable and it has worn me down to raw nerves. This how ever is no excuse for wrong behavior on mt part, and I also should not let it make me a less compassionate or loving person.

I read my Bible, I pray, and I sings songs of praise in worship which on any other day lifts my spirit, but in the last week I can really tell a difference in my attitude towards others. I am less patient, I tend to get offended easier than usual, and I am snapping at people I know God is forgiving and I know He did not cause my body t be in pain, but if this pain is the thorn in my flesh that I must bear then I want to do so with a spirit of joy and longsuffering. I want others to see the love of Jesus in spite of my pain.

Well it is time to get back to moving I have both packing and unpacking to do.

What is haunting you?

It has been months since October and Halloween is over. Yet the things that truly frighten us and cause us to run or hide are still here. They hide inside each of us. Things that were done to us or things that we have done. The skeletons we try to keep hid in our closet. Unfortunately the door to that closet eventually is opened and a skeleton or two pops out. You can try to put them back. Hide even from yourself and pretend nothing was ever wrong. Being an ostrich with your head in the sand only leaves your rear exposed.

We can pretend and put on masks but the truth is always there even if it is hidden and buried. We may be deceiving the world with our masks and costumes, but the one we are truly trying to deceive is ourself.

If guilt is what haunts you have you done something or felt that you have done something wrong? You may hide behind the mask of justifying your actions. You had good reasons what ever they may have been. Yet something inside of you is screaming you have hurt someone, even if you did not intend to do so.

You can fear judgment and condemnation. We live in a world that loves to point fingers. Everyday you will hear about the wrongs someone has done. Even if the person is innocent they are found guilty by the majority and their lives are harmed.

Shame can hinder you from being the person you truly are. God made you a new creation when you received Jesus as your Lord and Savior. Yet because we lived a shame filled past we do not feel worthy. We do not realize that there is nothing we could do to win God’s love. He loves us because He is merciful and gracious.

This list can easily go on and fill volumes of books if I wanted to continue all the fears in this world but I am going to stop here. What ever fears may be haunting you and those fears are real. I know I have my own fears that I battle on a regular basis. What I want to do now is remember that I have a mighty God, and that He is my shield and strong tower. That no matter how many weapons are formed against me they will not prosper. Does this mean that I will never get hurt? Sorry the answer to that is no. I will get hurt again but nothing will separate me from the love of God. Nothing can take my life because I have eternal life through Jesus. Fear not is written 365 times in the Bible. I think God new we would face fear on a daily basis. It is in Jesus that we have hope and a future. Things will happen that may scare you and cause you to be afraid. Use these things as warnings to be on guard. Run to the Father and He will protect you. He loves you.

Here are a few verses on fear not;

Bible Verses About Fear Not (KJV) 

Isaiah 41:10 – Fear thou not; for I [am] with thee: be not dismayed; for I [am] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

Psalms 34:4 – I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

1 John 4:4 – Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.

Romans 15:13 – Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.

Numbers 23:19 – God [is] not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do [it]? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?

Exodus 20:20 – And Moses said unto the people, Fear not: for God is come to prove you, and that his fear may be before your faces, that ye sin not.

Habakkuk 3:2 – O LORD, I have heard thy speech, [and] was afraid: O LORD, revive thy work in the midst of the years, in the midst of the years make known; in wrath remember mercy.

find daily verses here on this website;

http://365fearnots.com/index.php/votd/

 365 Fear Nots: Verse Of The Day

  • Psalm 066:16

    Come and hear, all you who fear God, And I will declare what He has done for my soul.

    Psalm 66:16 (NKJV)

    Biblical Truth: The psalmist was given a heart for prayer, worship the Lord and encourage others by declaring the spiritual blessings God has provided to you.

    The post Psalm 066:16 appeared first on 365 Fear Nots.

 

Righteous anger or just plain anger?

How do you know if your anger is righteous or if you are just plain angry? I know of many who will justify not only their anger but what is done in anger, and some that will even use scripture to give just cause. Yet is this right?

Along with fighting depression I have a major battle with anger. I have been told I am right to be angry for the things that have been done to me. That they understand why I have reacted in anger and that it was okay because I was hurt. Something inside of me says this is wrong. There is no excuse that I can give for any outburst of anger that I have had. No matter how minimal the damage I may have done when I have been angry I have still caused damage. Even if it was just my words and that I shot off my mouth, Wrong is wrong. Almost everything I have ever broken when I have been angry has belonged to me, It dos not matter if I threw an object and it shattered or I tore up clothes or burnt pictures. The damage cannot be undone. This damage is not as bad as the words that have come out of my mouth, and the cursing that I have done. Even the hateful thoughts are wrong. For it starts as a thought, then comes out in either physical actions or words and both can do irreversible damage.

They say to be careful with a cornered animal because you do not know how it will react or how bad it can hurt you. I used to be that cornered animal, and all the pain that was inflicted upon me to make me cower in fear. To control and manipulate me would eventually back me into a corner where I felt the only way to survive was to fight back with all that was left within me. The saying dynamite comes in small packages was one I used quite a bit yet I out my own spin on it. I would say, ‘Dynamite comes in small packages but nitro comes in smaller and has a bigger bang. Call me Nitro.’ That was when I was proud to be angry. I had every reason to be yet the person who I hurt the most was myself.

I thank God that I am not that woman any more. Yet I still fight the anger that sometimes still boils to a rage inside of me. The difference now is that I know it is wrong and I can acknowledge that the words or even the thoughts I have when I get angry like this are wrong. One saying I can agree with today is, ‘Two wrongs do not make a right.’

So how do I know my anger is not righteous? For one reason is because a hatred begins to burn inside. Then condemning and hate filled thoughts fill my mind. No one even has to be around, just a thought of something that upsets me pops into my head and a fuse gets lit and the anger begins. Thankfully this is not an everyday occurrence but when my body’s pain level rises I have noticed my level of agitation lowers and I become more irritable. Why share any of this with anyone? I learned a while back that by putting things out into the light exposes the darkness hidden within me. Then the darkness has to flee. Scripture tells us to take every thought captive. I believe this is good because not every thought that passes through our minds are good. We are to rid ourselves of the damaging thoughts and keep the ones that keep us focused on Jesus Christ. I would like to say that the war on my anger has been won, but I still have my battles. There are battles I have won and there are battles in which I lost. I thankfully get a reprieve from these battles but then the war rages on and the fight begins again. The thing I am learning is that I do not fight anger with anger and I definitely do not fight it with hate. I start with myself and acknowledge any wrong on my part and then repent and ask God for His mercy and to help change me into a more loving person, that can be loving and merciful to those who seek to do me harm. Learning that these people are just being used as weapons and that the real enemy is not human, and is nor the terrible and painful events in ones life. The really enemy will wear any disguise that will help him do the most damage. He will twist your hurt and pain and try to make you his puppet. Something I have learned is that he only has the power over me that I give him. Will I still feel pain? Yes, I will. Can this body die? Yes it will. James told us to count it all joy when we face various trials and tribulations. How can we do this?We turn to God. We believe Jesus. We allow His Holy Spirit to help and comfort us. We cry out to God. We tell Him how we are feeling and we pour out our tears at His feet.

I have not yet reached the goal but I get up each day and press forward. There are days I lay down weakened by my body, my mind and this life. Then the nest day comes and it is back on my feet, even if I do not feel like it. Of course that is when I think God has a cattle prod and gives me a loving jab. Yet I know those jabs are because He loves me and He does not want me to fall to the wayside. So I do no fight like I used to. I am learning that not only do I need to turn my cheek but as much as it pains me to offer up the other one. The battle is the Lord’s, I need to just trust in Him.