What do you do when you have done everything you can do? I have not been able to write for a while and even today typing this message is hurting me a lot, but the inspiration to share what my current state is teaching me is stronger than the pain. For over a month now I have been in so much pain I have barely been able to make it to work, but that is all I have been able to do. I hate missing fellowship with my church River of Life Christian Center, they may not be my natural family but they are my spiritual family. The hugs and love and words of encouragement, I really miss. I am thankful that I do not have to miss the messages because I can watch them online which feed me God’s word, but it is not the same as being there with them. Nick and Alissa my pastor and his wife are wonderful and have come by to check on me as well as my prayer team leader and friend Diane. Yet I want to be able to do more than barely work. I want to spend time with my spiritual family. (If you don’t have a church you should come by, and if you are not in the area check us out online https://www.facebook.com/riveroflifeoverflowing/ )
I only work 20 to 30 hours a week and after cleaning and preparing meals for others but I come home and I cannot care for myself because my body can’t do more. Each week my pain level has increased, one more body are is going out on me. As I said in the beginning of this the pain in my hands is terrible and every stroke on the key board is like knives and electric pain from my fingers up through my arms and neck, which is increasing my headache.
I live alone so this makes things more difficult because there is only me, and then on Monday my phone was shut off, leaving me feeling even more cut off and isolated, thank God I still have internet. I also battle depression, so things have really been piling up. Do I blame God? Definitely not! He did not cause the damage to my body, my abusers are responsible for my physical pain, even the abuse has been over for a while now, the damage done is done. Do I believe God can heal me? Yes I do! Just because the physical healing has not manifested, I know I am healed. It is in God’s hands.
Yet frustration over circumstances and pain leaves me stressed over taking care of my basic necessities. My church helps but I cannot expect them to pay for everything. I work even though my body screams at me it is in pain, so I have done everything I can to take care of my bills, my health, and my stated of mind. I know when people ask if I have done this or that and I have done it all, I am not frustrated with them, but the fact that instead in spite of doing everything I can and I am getting worse instead of better. It makes no logical sense. I trade putting heat and ice on my back and neck. I do the stretches I am supposed to do. I do breathing exercises, etc… and most important I pray and read or listen to His Word. I am finally taking a day off from work which I probably should have done sooner, but didn’t because of bills have to get paid and mine is the only income and yes I tithe.
Does my frustration mean I have lost faith? No. I have done everything that I possibly can, yet I have still come up short. A quick side lesson from this is no matter how hard you work, you cannot earn salvation, it is a gift from God, paid for by Jesus.
So what do I do now that I have done everything I can and I still fall short of meeting my basic needs? I wait and trust God is in control. What did Jesus say when He was in the boat and his disciples were afraid of the storm? – Matthew 8:26a ‘Your faith is so small! Why are you so afraid?’ There He was sleeping peacefully on a boat that was getting rocked by the storm and would have slept peacefully through the entire storm had the disciple in their fear woke Him up. Yes a storm may be all around me but He is in the boat with me. Now I do know this in my mind it is getting this message listened to by my body that is the challenge. Yes I am frustrated because of what I can’t do right now. I am however thankful that God is compassionate and understanding and just because I don’t feel good right now it does not change who He is or our relationship. So now that I have done everything that I can? For now I will rest and I know He is for me. He is the Good Father. I will trust in Him with my whole heart and lean not on my own understanding.