Thought for the day / What do you do when you have done everything that you can?

What do you do when you have done everything you can do? I have not been able to write for a while and even today typing this message is hurting me a lot, but the inspiration to share what my current state is teaching me is stronger than the pain. For over a month now I have been in so much pain I have barely been able to make it to work, but that is all I have been able to do. I hate missing fellowship with my church River of Life Christian Center, they may not be my natural family but they are my spiritual family. The hugs and love and words of encouragement, I really miss. I am thankful that I do not have to miss the messages because I can watch them online which feed me God’s word, but it is not the same as being there with them. Nick and Alissa my pastor and his wife are wonderful and have come by to check on me as well as my prayer team leader and friend Diane. Yet I want to be able to do more than barely work. I want to spend time with my spiritual family.  (If you don’t have a church you should come by, and if you are not in the area check us out online https://www.facebook.com/riveroflifeoverflowing/ )

I only work 20 to 30 hours a week and after cleaning and preparing meals for others but I come home and I cannot care for myself because my body can’t do more. Each week my pain level has increased, one more body are is going out on me. As I said in the beginning of this the pain in my hands is terrible and every stroke on the key board is like knives and electric pain from my fingers up through my arms and neck, which is increasing my headache.

I live alone so this makes things more difficult because there is only me, and then on Monday my phone was shut off, leaving me feeling even more cut off and isolated, thank God I still have internet. I also battle depression, so things have really been piling up. Do I blame God? Definitely not! He did not cause the damage to my body, my abusers are responsible for my physical pain, even the abuse has been over for a while now, the damage done is done. Do I believe God can heal me? Yes I do! Just because the physical healing has not manifested, I know I am healed. It is in God’s hands.

Yet frustration over circumstances and pain leaves me stressed over taking care of my basic necessities.  My church helps but I cannot expect them to pay for everything. I work even though my body screams at me it is in pain, so I have done everything I can to take care of my bills, my health, and my stated of mind. I know when people ask if I have done this or that and I have done it all, I am not frustrated with them, but the fact that instead in spite of doing everything I can and I am getting worse instead of better. It makes no logical sense.  I trade putting heat and ice on my back and neck.  I do the stretches I am supposed to do. I do breathing exercises, etc… and most important I pray and read or listen to His Word. I am finally taking a day off from work which I probably should have done sooner, but didn’t because of bills have to get paid and mine is the only income and yes I tithe.

Does my frustration mean I have lost faith? No. I have done everything that  I possibly can, yet I have still come up short. A quick side lesson from this is no matter how hard you work, you cannot earn salvation, it is a gift from God, paid for by Jesus.

So what do I do now that I have done everything I can and I still fall short of meeting my basic needs?  I wait and trust God is in control. What did Jesus say when He was in the boat and his disciples were afraid of the storm? – Matthew 8:26a ‘Your faith is so small! Why are you so afraid?’ There He was sleeping peacefully on a boat that was getting rocked by the storm and would have slept peacefully through the entire storm had the disciple in their fear woke Him up. Yes a storm may be all around me but He is in the boat with me. Now I do know this in my mind it is getting this message listened to by my body that is the challenge. Yes I am frustrated because of what  I can’t do right now. I am however thankful that God is compassionate and understanding and just because I don’t feel good right now it does not change who He is or our relationship. So now that I  have done everything that I can? For now I will rest and I know He is for me. He is the Good Father. I will trust in Him with my whole heart and lean not on my own understanding.

 

 

National Suicide Prevention Week& My Testimony

In Recognition of National Suicide Prevention week I am sharing my testimony once again, not because I am proud of what I had done but to share how grateful I am that I am still alive today. I hope this piece of my testimony will help at least one person.

November 22, 2016 1,399 Words

Testimony / I gave up on life and survived

This is one of the most difficult thing I have to share with the world. I am not seeking your pity nor do I need your judgment. I am sharing this only because I pray to reach if just one person who is at the end of their rope and is ready to jump of of that ledge.

I cannot say that I understand your pain or what has lead you to this point but I pray that you will stop long enough to read these words that  I am writing.

It will be five years this Thanksgiving when my world had grown so dark and the pain was more than I could bear that I did give up on life. Falsely accused and arrested in the middle of the night just a couple of months prior my world was turned upside down. After a lifetime of abuse and a multitude of wrong decisions I was alone and all the pain I had suffered over my life came down upon me like a crushing wave. I am not a coward but had nothing that I felt that was living for. Alone on  a holiday meant for family and giving thanks all I could see was darkness and feel the loneliness of being cut out of my own life.  I lost my will to live. So with what I thought was going to be my last breath I kicked the stool out from underneath me. The belt I used to hang myself did not do the job I thought it would because it stretched to the point that even though I had lifted my legs it stretched until I was literally sitting on the floor. Yelling at God and pounding my fist on my floor like a child throwing a temper tantrum, screaming that I couldn’t even do this right. I continued to yell and cry until I heard a voice. It was not harsh or condemning but loving. I heard it say, ‘Are you done yet?’  I know some of you probably think I was crazy and just hearing things. Obviously my mental state was impaired. (This was not the first or only time I have heard God speaking to me by the way, but the other times they are different stories.) I had just tried to hang myself. Yet as I heard that voice I know I was not imagining anything. It was real, I had heard His Voice before so I do know it when I hear it. Though no one was physically in my empty apartment but myself there was someone who was watching over me. I even knew what they meant when they asked if I was done yet. You see this was not the my first suicide attempt, but my third. So I responded, ‘Yes Lord I am done. Obviously You aren’t done with me yet.’ Then I heard Him say, ‘Get up. It is not over yet.’

So I stood up and took the belt from around my own neck. I was amazed because how long it had stretched and how that no mark was left on my neck. (A little note a couple of years later I tried to stretch that same belt and it did not give an inch, so no one can tell me God is not real.) I still had a long road ahead of me and the trials did not go the way I had believed and hoped for. Even on the final day of court when the rest of my world as I knew it came to a crashing end and even though I was innocent of the charges I was still found guilty. I lost everything but my life, my home, and I was banned for life from my daughter, so I had lost her too. You won’t believe this but as crushed as I felt, I heard God speak to me again. He said to me, ‘Can you forgive them now?’ I responded with, ‘Not because I want to but because of You I will.’ Even though not one thing went well for me, I knew God was with me. That even though I was found guilty in the court of man I was not guilty in His eyes and that He did not abandon me even when I wanted to end it all. My mother died suddenly at the end of my trials, and I lost my daughter, but God was with me through it all. I won’t say that thoughts of giving up have not crossed my mind since but a small still voice says you can’t give up now, You have come too far to give up now. So as hard as it is at times because the battles I still must fight wear me down that I want to toss in the towel and quit, I know that I can’t. I must finish the race. I have not yet reached the finish line.

I will never know why my life did not end that day or why my previous attempts failed, when others who have attempted the same act are gone. I know that I am not a better person than anyone else. My life is no more valuable than another’s life so why am I still here? To be honest only God knows the real reason. The only reason I can think of is that I am to share my story and hopefully reach at least one person who is where I was at, who is hiding their pain and their struggles from the world till it has gotten to be too much for them to carry by themselves. The other reason might be to inspire you to pray for God to reveal those who are hiding their pain from the world, so that you can reach out to someone who is suffering. To someone who feels rejected, cut off and isolated, so you can let them know that they are not alone and that someone does care. Call them or even better visit with them. Don’t push too hard to get them to talk but be there and continue to be there. I did not immediately share my story but a year later I was part of a church who arranged an event inspired by a number of suicides in the area that happened in a very short time period. I saw lives touched and even though I was inspired to start sharing my story, I didn’t. With the holidays upon us I personally know how difficult it is for anyone who suffers from grief, depression and anxiety or is suffering any form of abuse. You may feel unloved, rejected and alone. The pain may be suffocating and the world may be completely dark without light of hope. I was there and I survived but you may not so please don’t give up. If there is no one in your immediate life that you feel safe to turn to, there are others that even though they may be strangers, who will listen to you who will give you the compassion that you need and even help. Your life is valuable and you are important. So important that God sent His Son to die for you.

Call someone. Get help. Please do not give up. I may not know you but you are in my prayers and I pray you find the love of Jesus and the strength and comfort He has for you.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We’re committed to improving crisis services and advancing suicide prevention by empowering individuals, advancing professional best practices, and building awareness.  1-800-273-8255  website  http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/#

HELPGUIDE.ORG

If you’re thinking about suicide, please read Suicide Help or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) in the U.S.! To find a suicide helpline outside the U.S., visit IASP or Suicide.org.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention-helping-someone-who-is-suicidal.htm

1-800-SUICIDE

suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Always remember that there are phone numbers that you can call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week,  from any location in the United States:

 

Testimony / I gave up on life and survived

1-800-273-TALK / (1-800-784-2433)   (1-800-273-8255)

This is only a short list of where you can find help whether you are the one who is struggling or you think you may know someone who needs help please get the help that you need and please do it before it is too late. I know my life choices have been far from right too many times and that I survived but I know that if I try again I won’t survive again. Life is precious please don’t give up because you are precious and nothing can replace you in this world.

Check out this article on a special coffee shop that serves more than coffee.

Sip of Hope’s proceeds go toward Hope For the Day

https://www.popsugar.com/fitness/Sip-Hope-Coffee-Shop-Mental-Health-44989598

 

Knocked down again

Yesterday I wrote https://emotionalpeace.wordpress.com/2017/07/30/knocked-down-but-back-up-again/comment-page-1/#comment-2521 Knocked down but back up again. Well since then I have come down with a stomach bug, came home from getting a Sprite to calm my stomach only to spill it all over my living room floor. When I went to get a mop to clean it up I slipped and fell landing face first hurting my knee and wrist which was finally feeling better from a fall I took a couple of weeks ago when I got tripped by a dog.

So here is my question and thought for today –

Q: What do you do when you fall and no one is there to help you up?

To be honest when I fell I cried and yelled at first, but there was no one but me to clean up the spilled soda, so I had no choice but to make myself get up and mop up the mess. I then got some ice packs and and laid on the couch. One of my fears is that one day I will fall and not be able to make myself get up and since I live alone I wonder how long will I lay on the floor till help comes. For me it could be days since I do not get frequent visitors. My concern is not for me alone. I work as a home caregiver now and my job is to not only cook and clean for my clients but companionship and to be able to call for medical help if there is a need. I have had clients who have wonderful families who check on them on a regular basis but I have also had clients that have no one. These are the ones my heart has empathy for since I know what it is like to be alone and not in the greatest health. A friend of mine asked her pastor once if the church did anything for the the home bound people in the area and he replied no because if they wanted to hear the Word they would find a way to make it to church. She pointed out that if they made cds of the sermons these people would appreciate being able to hear the message and feel cared for. He did not agree. I often take a meal to any of my neighbors knowing how nice it is to just to be thought of or picked a flower and gave it to them just to brighten their day. It is not much and I am limited in what I can do but I do this because I know what it feels like to be not only alone but to feel lonely and unimportant at times. Yesterday my next door neighbor knowing I didn’t feel well brought me flowers from her flower bed and I am thankful for her thoughtfulness. Sometimes we will get knocked down and are not able to immediately get back up. It hurts and can be terrifying. We can lay there while fear overcomes us and we drown in loneliness. The other option is to breathe and take moment to clear your thoughts. Being afraid is not going to get you back up and you might be alone without physical help but Jesus is always with you even when you are fallen. It hurt like hell getting up after I fell and mopping up the mess did not make any part of me feel better, but this time I got up. I wasn’t happy and a few colorful words did escape my mouth as I cleaned up the mess and yes now I am resting giving my body a chance to heal up but tomorrow will come and I will get back up and do it allover again. Hopefully without falling or being sick. i have to hold on to hope and not give into fear and trust no matter how bad it gets God is always for me.

Proverbs 24:16
For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again, But the wicked stumble in time of calamity.

Pain Part 3

Pain is unavoidable and is an unpleasant part of life. If I were to say that I enjoyed pain you would know something is wrong with me. I hate pain, it hurts! So what do you when you feel pain? How do you react when someone hurts you?  To be honest when I am hurt I my first thought is not to be kind. I would like to hit the person who hit me back. Yet Jesus tells us to turn and offer the other cheek. (Luke 6:29 If someone strikes you on one cheek,turn to him the other also. And if someone takes your cloak, do not withhold your tunic as well. ) No matter how many times I read this verse I still say, “Really?” Yet then I also remember visiting a dojo, and watched a sensei do a demonstration. He stood with a gentle smile on his face while a student proceeded to strike him repetitively on both cheeks. His expression never changed no matter how many times he was struck, he just stood there smiling. I was on the opposite side of the large room and could hear the sound of each hit, and I could see the red marks left on his cheeks. At the end of the demonstration he simply said, “We are to do no harm. Just because you are hit does not mean that you must react. To hurt the one who is attacking you is to do harm. Taking time to determine if the attack is truly threatening and evaluating your response is important.” He was not teaching that his students become punching bags, but to not react in anger. Pain can lead to anger quickly. Scripture tells us to be slow to anger and that a gentle answer turns away wrath.(James 1:19 My beloved brothers, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger,/Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.) So then the next time you are hurt take a moment and think what is your best reaction. Just because we are in pain does not mean we are allowed to cause pain in return. (Genesis 31:29 I have the power to harm you; but last night the God of your father said to me, ‘Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad.’) Every day some one or thing may hurt you, and the pain you feel will make you feel bad. Yet even while in pain you can choose to do the right thing no matter how much it may hurt. Think about the story of Job and how much pain he went through. Pain of losing children, his health and his wealth. Yet even when criticized and told to curse God and die he remained faithful to God. When he made it through all this tragedy he went a step further. God was going to deal with his friends who basically kicked him while he was down. Yet Job interceded for them and saved their lives. He is a better man than I am(okay I am a woman, but you get my meaning). His example inspires me to do better and to ask God to help me to become a more gentle person who does not have to act in anger just because I am in pain.

God bless and keep you from all harm.

Don’t Panic!

What is the first thing you do when someone tells you not to look down? Most people automatically look down. The same thing can be said when you tell a person not to panic. This brings attention to their already vulnerable state. Have you ever told a woman to calm down? How did that work out? Telling a person not to panic when they are facing something that is terrifying them does not help. It is like telling a drowning person who is drowning that hey the water is wet. They already know this. Panic is brought about when fear of what ever the person may be dealing with becomes so overwhelming they can see no way out, there is no answer to their problem, and no matter which way they turn they only see more problems. There are millions of things to cause fear, health issues, unpaid bills, lack of income, someone breaking into your home, and the list goes on. 365 times it is written ‘Fear not’. God knew we would face fear daily. In the book of Matthew Jesus talks about how the birds in the air are taken care of, and how beautifully dressed the flowers in the field are, and how God tends to these and that we are more important. Our needs will be met. In the psalms we are told that if an enemy comes against us that God is our shield and strong tower. He shut the mouths of the lions when Daniel was thrown into the lions den. Joseph’s brothers wanted to kill him. Instead they sold him into slavery where through hardship and trials he was lifted up to become a ruler who would save his people. Jacob stole from his brother and ran away. God turned Jacob into Israel.

No matter how many times I have even told myself not to worry, I still find myself worrying and occasionally having a panic attacks. I know what the Word says about fear and worry but I am like Peter out on the water. I take my eyes of Jesus and start to sink and even feel like I am drowning at times. Does this mean my relationship with Him stops? No, thank God. Do I believe there are times that He gives me more than I can handle? Yes. He shows more faith in me than I do in Him. I feel like the father who tells Jesus I believe, help my unbelief.

The problems we all face, which are all different, are still problems. We can feel overwhelmed. Like we are being crushed or are drowning and do not see any reason to have any hope. This is where we need an increase in faith. It is faith to trust without seeing, and believing when there is no hope in sight, that somehow and someway you are going to be okay even when there is no logical answer. God can handle this! What ever this may be.

So in short I will not say ‘Don’t Panic’ but “Trust God”.

 

Relax / Spiritual Health Physical Health

When was the last time you truly took the time to relax? With all of my health issues I am laid up quite frequently but this does not mean that I am really resting and I definitely do not feel relaxed. I may not be working physically but my mind is working over time. It acts more like Martha than Mary. All it does it looks at all the work that needs to be done. So as I am laid up my eyes focus on the things that need to be done around my home. I look at the clutter and the pile of bills and worry. Not very productive. About a month ago I came across an article on sleep. It talked about it is the quality of sleep the body needs and not the quantity. That a person could sleep eight hours or more and still feel exhausted because it was not truly rested. 

I do a lot of breathing exercises for various health reasons yet if I don’t reign my thoughts in it does not help as much as it could. Worrying about anything produces nothing but anxiety and more things to worry about. All of this robs me of the rest and relaxation my body needs. God declared a command for a Sabbath rest. Who better than the Creator know what our body needs. He gave us six days to labor and the seventh for rest. In Psalm 23 He leads us to still waters and green pastures. We need to learn to relax, sit still, calm our minds, shut out the world and all of its’ problems and just relax and rest in the presence of our Lord. He gives us true peace. We will not find peace in the world. It is only found in Him. Relax and breathe Him in. Rest in Him. The bills and work will still be there to deal with but staying focused only on your problems and the demands others and yourself have placed on you will only drain you and leave you frustrated. Turning your focus to Him will calm your mind and give peace to your body. He loves you and care for all of your needs. So relax and know that even if things may look dark and troubled you will be okay. The Light will drive away the darkness and you will see more clearly.

God bless you with His infinite Peace and Love

Today’s exercise

Take a deep slow breath, hold it for 4-8 seconds and then breath out completely emptying your lungs. You may do this in a seated or laying down position. Repeat 8 times. While doing this focus your thoughts on the love God has for you and meditate on His Words of peace and rest. Let the tension in your body go as you let go of your worries and your stress. Repeating scriptures out loud until you find your body truly at peace.

Facing the Storms

Have you ever been at the beach and stood in the water as you watched the waves rolling in? I remember walking out into the water as the waves came crashing upon me. I wasn’t afraid. The bigger the wave the more exhilarated I felt when it would slam into me. Some even pushed me back up on to the shore. some of the waves even stung as they came down on me. When I had enough I would walk out of the ocean and sit on the sand and continue to watch the waves come rolling in. I was happy and at peace.

Unfortunately I do not face the storms in my life in the same manner. I see the trouble and panic. The girl who could stand in the ocean and brace herself as the ocean slammed against her wave after wave disappears when problems arise in her life. No longer planted firmly on the ground, I get tossed around with every wave of trouble that hits me. Something is wrong with this picture. How can I face an ocean wave and feel joy, when that wave could easily carry me off and drown me, but become terrified because of someone or something brings trouble to my life or worse I get myself into trouble without anyone’s help.

James 1:2-3

² Count it all joy, my brothers,^[a] when you meet trials of various kinds, ³ for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.

John 16:33

³³ I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

These are just two scriptures on joy,peace and tribulations. There are many more, but I will let you search for those yourself. I list these verses to show how one can have peace and even joy when the world slams against you like an ocean wave. I shared with you how the ocean waves did not steal my peace or joy, even when I saw waves that towered way above my head come crashing down on me. Then on the flip side I shared how the tribulations I face in this world terrify me and unsettle me. Yet in my mind I know I should be able to face the trials and tribulations in my life in the same manner I face the ocean waves. I need to look at the problems coming at me no matter how big they may seem like those waves. Being assured that after they hit I will still be okay, and even peaceful and filled with joy. I need to be able to stand on God’s Word and not fear what ever may come against me. David as a boy defeated Goliath, and Gideon led men into battle with only torches, clay pots and a trumpet and God gave him the victory without even having to fight. If God did this for them will He not do the same for me and you, especially since He sent His son to pay the price for our sins. Jesus redeemed us with His blood, and he would not have done this if He did not plan for us to live victorious, free from fear and doubt. I can no longer be double minded tossed around every time trouble comes at me. I must keep my eyes upon Jesus and trust He will not let me drown in my distress.

Pain Hurts!

Pain hurts! Pretty simple, you would think. But what caused the pain may not be so simple to describe. Were you hurt by something big that happened all at once, or was it little things that happened over a period of time? Does any of that matter? I do not think so because pain still hurts. Whatever that has happened, or has been done to you, the pain you feel is what has your attention. You feel it. Physically or emotionally the pain is real. It may stop you in your track, or drop you down to your knees, and it may give you reason to lay down and not get up because the pain is more than you can bear. Pain lets you know that something is wrong. It is that big red flashing light telling you stop what you are doing or you will get seriously hurt. It is the warning that says this wrong and it needs to stop.

Pain can cause a tear to roll down your cheek, or you to scream in agony till you have no voice left. It can make you close yourself up into your room cutting everyone out. Pain can cause you to lash out and hit something, like putting your fist through a wall. You may pick a fight for no real reason because of the pain you feel has made you so angry you want someone else to feel pain as well. I could probably write a novel and fill the pages with what pain can cause us to do. If you have ever felt pain you already know what I would write, and let’s be honest you are alive and reading this you have felt pain, and you may even be feeling pain right now as you are reading these words.

Well my words will not take away your pain, but you already knew that. To heal from the pain you feel or have felt means you are going to go through more pain. Facing what has hurt you is not pleasant, it can get down right ugly. To truly begin to be healed from what has caused our pain we have to endure facing the pain. We need to not just focus on what was done but what we did as a reaction. We may feel guilt for things we did after we were hurt. So we are ashamed to face our pain. We should not stand in our own way though. What has been done is done, let us face it so we can move on. No more looking over your shoulder carrying burdens we no longer need to, but living free from guilt shame and pain. The One who taught me this is Jesus. He is my Savior, Redeemer, and Healer. He is the Lord of my life, my heart my everything. Jesus knows pain and He knows suffering. This does not stop Him from loving though. In spite of pain rejection humiliation being beaten and spit upon He loves us, He forgives us and He heals us. It is written  ‘By His stripes we are healed’. All we have to do is receive Him, acknowledge our sins and repent and the love He has for us we can then receive. Then you can find relief form the pain you have lived with for too long.

Hello world!

I have been encouraged to blog since I write all the time. I have chosen to write about emotions on this blog because my emotions have gotten the better of me way too many times. I have struggled with depression, anger, feelings of hopelessness, and a multitude of other emotions. One thing I know is that I am not alone in this struggle. If you are reading this, I am hoping what I share will either help you, or help you with someone you know who has the same struggles.

I have to admit I have not got it all together, but I have made a decision that I can let my emotions reek havoc in my life or I can accept my emotions but learn to not let them rule me. So I will share both my good and bad days here and hope that I can encourage even one person. Please feel free to make your comments without fear of judgment. I am not one who can throw stones at anyone. I do ask to keep from abusive language since this never helps anyone. Thank you and have a blessed day.